Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Headache's, party plan & ballet lessons

I've been trying to stick to a very strict routine this week. For the beginning and the end of the day there is no problems... but I tend to become unglued through out the day. Especially on days like today when I have  a headache. I get them regularly and I know if I push myself too much the headache will last for days, but if I cut right back for a day it should go away. Still feel bad that I'm not sticking to the routine though.

At least I got to the gym today! I am loving the gym, I always feel so much better after going there!

My big thing I have to complete right now is my invitation letter to friends and family asking them to help get me started with party planning. I hate asking it of them, but there is no other way for me to start, and I'm hoping they won't mind just this once. Problem is that I can't get the words to flow well enough. I want to ask for help without sounding like I'm being pushy, or trying to gain their sympathy... but I still want enough urgency to get through so that some actually will help!

Very confusing....

I asked my daughter's ballet teacher today if she could have individual lessons next year, and she said she'd ask the centre director if it was ok. She also said that my daughter is one of the best in her class and can be relied on to remember the steps even when the teacher forgets!

My daughter wants to audition for the Australian School of Ballet when she is 9 (1.5 years away). She knows there is a lot of competition and even if she is really good, she still might not get in, but she wants to try. And I want to do everything I can to help her be successful if she can be... ergo individual ballet lessons! It's a good thing I'm working again - otherwise I'd never be able to afford it!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wow, it's been a while!

Sorry I disappeared off the radar there for a while, I promise I wasn't ignoring responses, I just haven't been back to this site at all since my last post. Life got a bit in the way, and totally distracted me away from blogging.

I'm actually busier than ever now. My son is going through a really bad patch right now so I'm nearly always completely stressed. In the last 3 weeks he has had screaming fits at least once sometimes 3 times a day, headbutted walls, hit a baby, refused to sleep, refused to move etc. He generally has one or two bad spots through the year, but this is one of the worst we've experienced. I just hope it lets up soon, because I just know there is going to be problems again in the summer holidays when his routine goes out of whack!

On a brighter side though he has come out with some corkers lately! At the doctors when a lady was very kindly reading a story to him, he looked closely at her teeth, then said "you're teeth are yellow", then anounced "Hands up if your teeth are yellow"!  Then just today, he had such a screaming fit that he actually vomited, after cleaning him up I drove him around for a while to try and calm him down. Eventually he said "this is nice, I'm happy now". Then when I asked him what we could do to keep a smile on his face... his answer was "lipstick"! Did I ever mention just how literal autistic children can be??

I'm going through some difficulties with my daughter as well. I've always let the little things go in the past, because I've had so much to deal with already that it was all I could do to keep up with the big things. Anyway, recently I've decided I just have to be strict about the little things too otherwise they'll turn into big things. However this is led to a battle of wills between my daughter and I. I don't think she liked malleable mummy trying to be a hardass! I took her to the psychologist on Monday as I think she really needs to talk to someone. She has to deal with being the sibling of a special needs child along with being old enough to understand my separation but young enough for it to still confuse her. If it was just normal 7 year old stuff, I wouldn't worry so much, but her naughty behavior is really over the top... so if there is a reason for it that I don't know, she'll at least be able to share it with someone because she isn't sharing it with me!

The interesting thing is that she is perfect everywhere else. Ballet, school, friends houses, her dad's house. She has obviously taken on board everything I've taught her... she just applies it outside of my presence! At least I do have the comfort of everyone telling me how wonderful she is as I know she is... I just wish she'd show that to me a bit more often!

Another interesting thing is that when I'm trying to be strict but not succeeding, she plays up more, but when I truly stand my ground, she sometimes backs off with the behavior. I know she really needs and subconsiously wants me to give her firm boundaries... so I'm really trying to pick up my game there. I've got to get over the cuddly pushover mummy, and become firm (but still cuddly) mummy. I think things will improve in the house if I keep remembering this.

I'm all blogged out for now... chat later about 2 other new things in my life! I've lost 7kgs & just started doing party planning!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Question: How to meet cousin without coming out over the phone?

My cousin is back from overseas. Since she is a lesbian with a 11 year old daughter I thought she could probably give me a lot of advice. Especially on how to come out to the family and how they reacted at the time. I know she came out when I was still in high school, but being at boarding school and a self involved teenager I wasn't really paying that much attention. 

Having a complete belief that stealing my brother's playboys was completely normal for a heterosexual girl probably didn't help towards me focusing too closely on her coming out either!

My problem? I don't see her that often, and when I do organise to catch up it always ends up as a luncheon including my sister, her daughter, my mum, aunt, my cousin's partner and her daughter!

I need to talk to my cousin without anyone else around, but I have no idea how to ask this of her without going into the reason on the phone. I mean what on earth is she supposed to think if I say I need to talk to only her about something. It's not like we've connected on other particular topics in the past.

She is a teacher, so I guess I could go in on that angle, but her partner is a teacher also, and I don't know her well enough to go into it with her too.

It will be especially obvious when I ask her not to mention us meeting to anyone in the family. I mean if I was going to meet her for advice about school years for my kids - I wouldn't be keeping that a secret from my mum.

I just don't want to come out over the phone. It would start a whole conversation that I'd rather have face to face.

I'd really like to talk to her soon, so any advice would be wonderful!!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wow - what a difference!!!!

Well, I'm still not quite hyped about getting my house up to scratch, but wow did my walk do wonders!

My son & I went on a walking track quite close to us. They have recently sealed a old walking track that goes through the bush along a creek and it goes for 1.5kms. We walked for half an hour (thought any longer would be too much for 5 year old legs).

It was such a lovely walk. For ages I've said I hated walking because I thought it was boring. Well it is when you walk around the suburbs, but walking through the bush is fantastic.

I'd completely forgotten.

Back in school I spent one of my years at the bush campus where we hiked all the time. I'd really forgotten the peaceful feeling of walking through the bush (although back then we weren't hiking on sealed pathways - more like hiking trails where we had to dodge snakes and wombats - lol).

I'm definitely going for another walk tomorrow.

Out of it lately!

Ever since February I've totally lost focus - but lately it is even worse. I just can't seem to get my arse into gear. I've been even more despondent I guess because of the stress of my ex stopping his mortgage payments.

I don't know what we are going to do next month because mum just can't help me - she doesn't have enough herself.

And I'm also stressing because it seems that my ex won't agree to let me keep the house. And even if he does I feel horrendous at accepting my parents offer to pay out half my mortgage so I can afford repayments.

I originally agreed because I thought their help would all come from my part of a trust set up for us kids for when my step dad passes away. Since it would be coming to me anyway I was happy to receive it now when I needed it instead of when someone I loves dies.

However I've now found out that my mum will have to chip in from her super, and even though she can access her super she isn't sure whether she will be allowed to work still after she has accessed it.

Besides this because of the stockmarket plunge - they are losing a whole lot more than they planned when they made the offer.

I doubt they'd let me refuse, and I've been told by numerous people I'd be crazy to refuse. Especially because I need this house so much because of my son's special needs. But it does still leave me feeling guilty. 

Someone did tell me a good idea though. If mum finds she needs her money in years to come, I can always sell at a later date and pay her back then.

But in the mean time I have to show them that I'm going to put the effort in to fixing my life and keeping my house nice. If they are going out of their way I need to meet them half way.

Problem - I just can't get going! My ex is losing weight, got a girlfriend and moving on with his life and I feel like I'm stagnating.

I want to lose weight, get a girlfriend and move on with my life too!

Well plans are in the works. I've promised my son we'd go for a walk today - he won't let me get away with not doing it.

And I've decided that if I can afford it - I'm definitely going back to Uni next year (I'll give more details about that in a later post). Now I just have to focus on my home.

Easier said than done. 

Maybe the walk will energise me some.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why on earth is it so exciting to see a Kookaburra???

I could understand getting excited about seeing a Kookaburra if I wasn't from Australia, or even if I lived closer to the city therefore rarely saw one.

But I live in outer suburbs where there is bushland a short walk away. We hear kookaburras quite often and have had them in our backyard over 10 times that I have noticed.

So why is it that everytime I see one I call for the kids to come have a look and I just stand and watch even if the kids aren't with me????? 

Sure they are rarer than magpies (we have about 8 of those that hang around our garden and totally freak me out during swooping season), but they're not as rare as a Koala in a tree here (that happens about once every couple of years). I just don't understand where my excitement is coming from!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Where's the Rainbow Marbles Food?

Another classic from my son!

He was actually asking for the smarties! We don't have them often enough for him to have picked up what they are called!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Just Came Out to my Lawyer!

It's so weird. I actually feel more weird about it than when I told the 5 of my friends that know now.

In fact those 5 friends were so cool about it, I didn't feel sick after telling them at all - just relief and happiness that I can have a conversation about future plans without having to be careful of what I am saying.

But I can tell with a few people, I'll still feel worried after telling them - the kind of worried where your stomach churns and you feel sick till you can get it out of your mind.

I feel like that about my lawyer. I have no idea why though. We are right in the middle of what may turn out to be a not so nice separation anymore. Especially as my ex didn't pay his half of the mortgage yesterday. My parents can scrape up enough to help me this week - but can't after that - they just can't afford it. So as you can see it's not going to be pretty.

I've been totally stressing out that as it gets ugly, that when I do come out - my ex (who does have a gay couple as friends), might freak out go all homophobic and threaten to take the kids for more than he has now. 

If my kids asked themselves to spend more time with dad - I'd let them... but he is a crap full time dad and definitely shouldn't have them if his only reason is to hurt me, or take them away from me for  ridiculous reasons. He is good to them in small doses - but if he had them for longer and for reasons other than he WANTED to spend more time with them - the kids would suffer for it. 

So I asked my lawyer about it today. She told me not to worry about it. She said any Judge gets very annoyed with ex's that  try to do this so long after the separation. I asked if it would make any difference when he wasn't aware of the fact I am a lesbian for all that time. She said it still wouldn't make a difference and that he'd have to prove that I was a bad mother during that time. And a Judge would still be annoyed at him using that reason to take the kids for more time.

So that's a huge relief as I have been really worried about that. I suppose if it came to the worst and I had to prove that I was a good mother - I have many people who could write on my behalf that I am a good mum.

Anyway gotta go, call the lawyer back as we really don't want this to go to court if we can avoid it!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Note to self: Try to keep your urge to come out under wraps tonight!

Ok, so I mentioned that I'm having a girl's night tonight. Of course - this includes drinks. 


None, except for the fact that under the influence I always seem to get the urge to share secrets that I really don't need to share.

It will even be harder tonight because two of the girls coming, I'm already out to. The other one coming is a really close friend that I want to tell, but I'm not sure of her views yet. It is doubtful she'd have problems with it, but I'd rather sound her out in a controlled environment (or rather an environment in which I'm controlled - lol), so I know for sure if I can tell her before I come out to everyone.

So this is basically a reminder to myself - drink, be merry - but DON'T SHARE!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Girls Night Tonight!

Well, my kids are at their dads again so I'm all on my lonesome!

I've actually organised for a few friends to come over this evening. I've got one definite and 3 most likelys. Unfortunately tonight is the last Saturday of the holidays so most people have got something on, but even if it is just me and one friend it will be a fun night. Much better than sitting here all on my lonesome.

I plan to have friends over each Saturday night that my ex has my kids and I've got about 5 girls saying they'll definitely be here for the next one.

I figured, I don't want to spend the evening alone, but I'm not ready to go out and meet people yet and also I have no money to go out. What better idea than to open my house to other mums that need a few hours away from their kids!

Anyway gotta go - I'm trying to get a whole lot of decluttering done before anyone arrives tonight!

Does my sexuality excuse his faults???

I'm kind of upset right now at my ex. I was planning on doing a big rant because he just told me he is going to stop paying his side of the mortgage from this month because he needs the money for his 'legal team' (god he sounded pretentious when he said that!). So I'm left having to accept help from my parents again - which they really don't need because my stepfather just came out of hospital!

Anyway I was planning on going on about it, but the news is just a couple of hours old and I can't wrap my head around it just yet - even to write at length about it.

However the thing I do want to write about right now is to do with my ex.

Currently the general mood amongst family and friends is that my ex was not a good husband or father. There may have been a few unuttered thoughts in regards to me not being brilliant at keeping house and my weight gain over my marriage, but the general thought is that he is the one mainly at fault. Especially considering he is the one that left, and had an immediate girlfriend.

I'm not blind to my own faults, but there really was a lot that I put up with in my marriage that I really shouldn't have put up with.

Here's the thing. I'm worried that when I come out, some of my current supporters will forget all they believe right now and say that his actions are excused because his wife is a lesbian.

Now if he had affairs (beyond the current girlfriend who he says he only started with after we separated), that could be understandable. Not forgiven - but understandable. After all he had a wife that did not want to sleep with him. But any of his other actions have no relevance to my sexuality and I just really don't want them discounted.

I'm not saying I want people to be remembering forever that he is a prick. Most of the time, I'm not really all that bitter about it and will be happy to forget it and move on. After all I don't have to put up with it now - so everything is already so much better. But I was really unhappy, beyond the fact that my sexuality wasn't compatible to marriage with a man and I hate the idea of that unhappiness could possibly treated as if I caused it all myself.

I'm probably not making any sense at all as it is one of those topics that takes me round in circles and the point I'm trying to make usually gets lost in the confusion.

Oh well, regardless if it makes any sense to others, it helped to vent a little!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Cat in the Hat

"Dirty hoe"

"Cats always land on their pussy"

"I'll get you and it will look like a bloody accident"

Now tell me... do these lines sound like they belong in a children's movie??? Luckily most of it goes over my kids heads but they did pick up on that last line and think it is hilarious. They keep saying it over and over again. 

I'm hoping if I ignore them saying it, they'll lose interest.

And that annoying inappropriate dvd is going back to the video store TODAY!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Oh My God - We have ducks in our backyard right now!

I was just looking out my kitchen window and saw two ducks in my backyard! I have never seen ducks here before. I live in the outer suburbs so it is a bit more leafy than the inner suburbs, but I don't have a pool for them to be interested in and to my knowledge there isn't a pool in my surrounding neighbors places!

When I went outside to get a picture of them they waddled all the way to my back door - I wouldn't have been surprised if they had let me pat them! (Didn't try though, because  then my son would have tried and probably poked their eye out!).

They are obviously looking for food, but I didn't give them any because I remember being told that bread is actually bad for them - besides, as much as they are a lovely surprise - I don't think it would be healthy for them to set up house here when we don't have a pool!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I'm still a total moron!

What the hell is wrong with me? Is there some sort of support group for idiots that just won't get themselves to bed on time despite knowing they have to get up early and have no chance for a day nap because they are entertaining children who are antsy because it is the 2nd week of school holidays?

I'm going to bed... and in the morning I'll have a gazillion beroccas and call my mum with lots of love because she dropped in last night with coffee since I'm totally out of money and was all out of coffee.

I'd consider even going to the chemist for No Doze like I did when I was in Uni if I didn't think it would probably react badly with my epilepsy medication!!!

It's not like I can't sleep when I get to bed. I just blather around on the internet or with a book or watching tv.

Moron, moron, moron.

hmmm. I may not be a heterosexual housewife anymore and I may be a Lesbian mother now... but I think I've still got a long way to go from Insecure to Confident. Especially when I keep doing things that really are moronic and don't allow for me to say this is who I am take it or leave it! I think I'm my own worst enemy.

See I get all depressed and introspective when I stay up late.

Going to bed right now!!!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Ewww, smells like feet!

I swear my son is in training to be a comedian today!

He was just playing in my loungeroom (my very recently cleaned and lovely smelling loungeroom btw), and came running out saying..

"ewww, smells like feet"

He had to have gotten that line from tv too considering I don't remember his feet ever smelling bad!

20 minutes later and more confirmation of too much tv!

My son has a really bad cough at the moment, but still in good (cheeky) spirits. So a short while ago after a short bout of coughing, he stopped looked at me and said "hairball". 

I cracked up and asked him if he said what I thought he said. 

His answer... "from Cat in the Hat".

He really is funny at times!

Run for your life... the aliens are coming...

My son is a never ending source of amusement. Upon me handing him his sisters "Bratz" towel after he got out of the shower, he dropped it and started to run around the house naked saying...

"Run for your life... the aliens are coming..."

Now it could just be because that line comes from a Bratz movie...

but it could also show his view on Bratz overall!

Either way, I think he is watching too much tv.

Why I want to come out now...

In a recent post I was questioning why I wanted to come out now so much. After all, I've been separated now for 6 months - why didn't I get the urge sooner?

It was only today at a friends house that I figured it out. I don't want to lie by omission.

So often in conversations these days I end up talking about moving on and my plans for years to come... and I just hate the way I have to state things. I'm talking about dating again and being open to the idea of having another baby if I meet the right person which is all true... but I'm just so constantly aware of the huge part of my conversation that I know is there but my friends don't. It is so glaringly obvious to me when I use gender nonspecific words, that I can't have these talks without feeling like a complete liar!

I think it is also because I'm hopefully about to reach settlement with my ex. A huge part of me has been mainly waiting for settlement before I come out just in case my ex reacts badly and it has an effect on what he is willing to agree to. I'm in a really bad financial situation because until my son starts school full time I can't work at all, so I really can't afford for what should be a friendly settlement become fraught with issues.

It is so frustrating, just as I get some answers to some of my questions, more questions just pop up. I've got so much new awareness and what if's and when should I's going around that I think I just really need to go to bed and sleep on it!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Yay! I can finally watch The L Word!

There are a few tv shows that I love, but it so happens that 3 of them aren't what kids should walk in on.

Dexter, Queer as Folk & The L Word.

My problem? I have pretty much an open plan house and my son's bedroom opens off the loungeroom - and he can't go to sleep with his door closed.

So I have to wait till both kids have fallen asleep, then watch my show. Unfortunately this doesn't normally happen till after 11pm... which means that I just know I'll end up going to bed late again.

I just got the 2nd season of The L word from ebay and I'm sure that it will be as addicting as the first season was. 

Ok I'm going to state right now that I will only watch 1 episode tonight. Maybe stating that will be enough to stop me from watching the first dvd all in one go! We'll see...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Mummy I cut my finger off! I need a bandaid.

This is the sort of statement I hear regularly...

My son was just  playing outside and comes running inside yelling "Mummy, I cut my finger off - I need a bandaid!"

Of course it ended up being a tiny scratch that really didn't need a bandaid at all. However my son is entirely able to get himself in a situation where he could cut his finger off - so any of his statements like this give me mild heart attacks.

I swear I'm going to have grey hair soon!

I was about to come out to a family member but...

I'm so frustrated! I've been considering calling one of my cousins for advice for quite a while now. She is a lesbian, out and has a 11 year old daughter and as far as I know is totally accepted by the whole family. So she is the perfect person for me to talk to. However until recently I've been hesitant to tell anyone in the family just in case everyone found out before I was ready. My cousin's mum and my mum are sisters - and very close - so if my Aunt found out - my mum would find out from her.

However I've realised that it is extremely unlikely my cousin would tell anyone if I asked her not to - after all she has been where I am now. (Well kind of, she was never married with kids - but she did come out to the same family I'll have to come out to).

So I plucked up the courage and was about to email her to ask her to meet for lunch when I remembered - she is overseas for a month!!!!!

So I have to wait a few more weeks to share this with her. 

It's weird... I'm not currently in a relationship, I'm not interested in anyone right now... so there shouldn't be any overwhelming reason for me to come out yet. I was planning on waiting till I'd met someone I wanted to introduce to the family. However as time goes on I feel the need more and more to come out. 

From the conversations I've had with my daughter I'm almost certain she would have no problem with it whatsoever, I've even touched upon the subject of people who aren't so accepting and how she should respond to them. So the groundwork is in place to make it easier on her.

I want to come out and I just don't know why it seems more and more urgent! All I know for now is that I want to talk to my cousin and she's not here! :-(

God I sound like a petulant child! I'm going to bed before I sink any further and stomp my foot!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Thankyou Sh@ney!!!

Just wanted to say a big thank-you to Sh@ney over at LGBT Bloggers for my beautiful  header and for letting other readers know about me!

I wanted to make my header more interesting but I'm kind of clueless design wise so had no idea how to do it! So lots of hugs and kisses! I love it!


Sorry for dropping off the end of the world for a while! In the last two weeks I've had end of school term madness, beginning of holidays madness. Add to that, my daughter took over my computer a lot of the time too as I started up a blog for her. She loves writing and I thought having her own blog would help her with spelling, phrasing and storytelling. I forgot to consider that if she was nuts about blogging - I'd lose my computer.

Luckily her dad is coming around tomorrow to see the kids and he will also set up internet on her computer (with appropriate child safety programs of course), so I'll won't have to have races to beat my daughter to the computer anymore! :-)

Friday, June 27, 2008

Eyes can play tricks on you - especially on youtube screenshots!

I was just browsing through YouTube for something a moment ago when I came across a video that was apparently video of many different couples (tv & movie). 

Normally I don't bother with these types of videos because, seen one, you pretty much have seen them all. However I clicked on it because I was certain the screenshot was of Melanie & Lindsay from QaF.

After watching all the way through I was wondering why I hadn't seen them in the video when they were on the screenshot.

So I saved the picture so I could get it a bit larger and figure out who it was that I had mistaken for Melanie
& Lindsay.
Well here it is...
                                                                                                                                       Clark & Chloe from Smallville!!! 

I was totally shocked because I was just so certain! 
I'm cutting myself some slack though because the screenshot on a search page on youtube is small enough to deceive you if the picture isn't 100% clear! Still a bit embarrassing thinking superman and his best friend were a lesbian couple!

Oh well, looking at it from another angle - I got kind of close - the shows were both filmed in Canada!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Can't get used to the word Lesbian!

I think I've come up against a stumbling block to my coming out. I feel awkward saying the word Lesbian out loud.

I have no problems writing it here now, but there was a time not so long ago that I couldn't think of it in relation to myself at all.

I honestly don't know what it is. Even before I realised that I like women, the word made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it was my subconscious telling me something? For years I quickly pushed aside any thoughts about women before I really had the chance of realising what they were so maybe the word made me uncomfortable because it is confronting. There is no avoiding what that word means unlike my thoughts at the time.

Once I did realise I liked women, for quite a while I thought of myself as Bi. Mainly because I thought I couldn't be a lesbian if I'd been in a relationship with a man and hadn't had an experience with a woman yet. Probably also because my husband has been the only man I've slept with... for a while I was thinking maybe it was just him that I wasn't attracted to and that I would be with another man.

I didn't have any problems saying the word Bi in relation to myself. In fact the small group of people I have told, I told I was Bi.

I know now though I definitely can't identify as Bi. I have absolutely no urge to be with a man whatsoever... in fact the very thought of it makes me shudder - and not in a good way!

So... I am a lesbian and happy to be so. I have no problems accepting it of myself these days, and not that many fears in regards to coming out with the exception of the effect on my kids.

But I still just can't say the word! I'd use the word Gay instead, but as Deborah over at All Things Queer  says, "I can't use the word "gay" because invariably I hear "man" right after it". GLTBI seems to separate me from the word Gay by adding the L in there. I know most Lesbians would probably be upset if the "L" wasn't there, and I probably would be too as the emphasis of the word gay seems to be on gay men. But it does make me quite reluctant to use the word for myself.

My problem? How on earth do I come out to people feeling so uncomfortable with the word? My comfort with actually coming out is partially taken away by the word.

And why on earth am I still uncomfortable with it anyway? I mean it is ridiculous. I'm not ashamed, I am comfortable with who I am so why on earth can't I say it out loud easily? 

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

House Full of Kids

I've got 4 kids today! One of my daughter's best friends has a little sister that goes to kinder with my son. Considering my son always bugs my daughter when she has a friend over, I decided to invite the little sister too so no one feels left out.

It's weird, you'd think it would be more work with 2 extra kids here - it is actually less work! I don't have to entertain them for once, they entertain themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of school, so I think I'll line up lots of play dates for the holidays otherwise I think I'll go nuts trying to think of new but free things to do!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Eyelids & Bandaids do not mix!

Talk about panic! While I was sweeping a moment ago my son was playing with opening bandaids. He has done this before without problems arising, so I left him to it.

Unfortunately, I had just finished  when I heard a gasp, I looked at my son and his eyes looked like something from some weird science fiction movie! 

He had decided to put bandaids on his eyelids! The gasp came when he wanted them off but realised it would hurt. 

I had a minor panic attack picturing having to drive to the doctors to get help as if I need to help him with something and he doesn't want help - he is too strong for me to hold down. Luckily he managed to get them off himself - as he ran away as soon as I tried.

He's all ok now - no problems at all. His beautiful eyes are still perfect, and the beautiful long lashes are still there. 

And I'm still here, heart still beating faster from the panic. 

I swear I'm surprised I don't have grey hair yet! 

Coming Out Concerns (3)... Problems at School

After my separation from my husband, the sense of relief was so great it never occurred to me to stay in the closet for long. I have been unhappy in a marriage for so long, I couldn't bear to live that way again just so everyone will accept me.

My cousin is a lesbian and she has a daughter that seems very well adjusted. Added to this, with my son's Autism, he's got more important things to focus on than his mum's sexual orientation, my daughter is already very strong, being the sister of a sibling with special needs, so she is aware of families that are a bit different. All of these things made me not even consider staying in the closet for the sake of my kid's life at school. It was a non issue.

However last night I started thinking about it. Am I selfish thinking this way? Am I being blinded by what I want? Would my kids be teased about it, or are kids pretty accepting these days? I live in the suburbs and a good portion of the mums are stay at home mums - so lots of gossiping at school drop off and pick up and I haven't overheard anything derogatory about gays.

I think it is seen as a bit of a novelty, but since I've heard some of them say "if I was a lesbian...", I figure they can't be too against it.

However, regardless how accepting our community is, I'm sure somewhere down the line the kids will be either teased or constantly questioned about it. I guess I'll just have to make sure - even more than I am already doing - that my kids have enough self esteem to deal with any teasing that might come their way.

I really don't think it is possible for me to not come out. I just can't imagine not being true to myself now that I can. But I just know I'm going to second guess myself constantly when it comes to my kids.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what happens to them there. I can ask teachers, but they don't always know what goes on in the playground. I really hope my kids feel they can come and talk to me about any  problems... but I know that my daughter already holds back from telling me some of her worries regardless of how open I am with her.

I guess all I can do is cross my fingers yet again and hope beyond hope that I'm not screwing up my kids school years! As adults they may be totally accepting and happy with it,  but I do worry that their school years may be tainted by teasing. I'm determined to be as prepared as I can be to help them through any problems. 

Luckily as I've found since starting this blog - there are lots of other mums out there with similar situations that I can reach out to to ask for advice! (See my blog roll for some of those great mums).

With Plumb???

Ok, I know being picky about someone else's writing I'm just asking for someone to point out mistakes that I'm sure to make at some point... 

Just can't help myself though. Recently I came across someone's writing where they finished a sentence stating the character did something 'with plumb'. 

The mood of the piece was actually quite serious, so cracking up because the character who should have done something with 'aplomb' is doing it 'with plumb', really kind of ruins the flow!

What I'm wondering is... was it a simple spelling error from lack of proof reading or does the writer go about writing 'with plumb' everytime they mean aplomb?

For the writer's sake, I really hope it was the former rather than the latter!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

What do you think of Heterosexuals in Gay Bars?

This is a question I have been wondering about for a while. To be more clear, I do not mean friends of gays enjoying a night out with them, and I don't mean groups of homophobes looking to cause trouble.

I guess I am interested in what people think about those heterosexuals that come just to have a good time... but I'm mainly thinking about the ones who come because it seems like some great adventure. The giggly ones, who come because it is 'so cool' to go to a gay bar and the ones who go for a special event like a hen night.

I don't feel I can give any real opinion on this subject considering I'm yet to experience the night life since accepting I am a lesbian. But it is a subject that I am really interested in after a Hen Night I was part of last year.

The Matron of Honor organised for us to meet at the Xchange Hotel in South Yarra. I did have a fun time, the Drag show was brilliant - and it was nice being in a place where there was no chance of being hit on. However, there were many times while we were there that I just felt like cringing. I'm not sure how much of it was my own low self esteem and how much of it was legitimate, but I felt really embarrassed at the other girls actions at times. They were all very nice girls, but they got a bit over the top at times. They grabbed men to be in photos with us, and stuck in one giggly clump standing out like a sore thumb.

I know hen night's can be a bit like this anyway, but it really did embarrass me. It annoyed me at the same time though. I was right in the middle of being confused as to whether I was a lesbian or if I was just curious, but I had accepted enough to be really annoyed at these girls treated someone else's sexual preference as a fun adventure. At that time - and even now to a point, it's not a fun adventure for others to view. But I do know that for some of those that I come out to, it will be a bit exciting for them. Sort of 'ooh, I have a lesbian friend, that's so cool'. It kind of cheapens the journey I've been on to a sideshow of sorts.

Sorry, just realised I went off on a bit of tangent. As you can see I'm still all conflicted as to my opinions on subjects like this one. 

I really would love to get opinions from people who have been out for a while and can maybe give me a view beyond the confusing thoughts I'm having...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Inspirational Quote of the Day

One to remember when anyone starts to give up, thinking "how much of a difference can little old me make?"

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead


I just heard the most hilarious thing ever! My son was having a bath and I was out of the bathroom for a moment when I overheard him talking to his penis! He sounded so cute - even asked it a question! Apparently he wanted  to know if it wanted chips too!

Five years old and it is already the centre of his universe!

I'd just like to say that I am a moron!

I know I stopped myself from saying it before, but I can't get around it - I am a moron! Or I need to procrastinators anonymous. It is 2.49am and I have to be up to take my daughter to ballet in the morning! 

No way we can skip it considering I just payed Term 2 fees today. For both kids doing ballet it costs me almost $400 a term. That doesn't include uniform which as it is a strict ballet school, they have to have! The only way I can keep the kids in ballet is because of various government bonus' that come up from time to time. 

It is a good thing considering how much they both love ballet - and since I'm paying so much I refuse to let Zara skip a class because I'm a moron and won't go to bed on time. Not that she would let me. She is 7 and in her 4th year of ballet and wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. That goal may change, but she is pretty focused right now!

Anyway, blathered on as usual - just meant to mention that I was a moron and go to bed, yet here I am blathering on procrastinating again!

I'm going to bed now! Anyone, feel free to blast me if I do the same thing tonight!

How's this for a Report Card Comment???

This was written on my daughter's report card that we got today...

"Her kindness to others has made her extremely popular amongst her peers. She is a wonderful role model and a real asset to our class."

Academically she is at the level expected for her year and in a number of cases almost at grade 2 level (she is in grade 1). But for me, the fact that she got full marks for effort and class behavior and the above comment was written is the best part of the report!

Isn't she brilliant!

Quote for the Day

This one cracked me up - definitely identify with it.

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" 
~Author Unknown

Chuckle Chuckle

My ex came around to spend some time with the kids this evening. It was actually pretty relaxed for once. We are normally pleasant to each other but there is a layer of awkwardness in any of our interactions.

I think he got too relaxed because he accidentally called me 'Babe', like he used to. I could tell he realised because he paused for a second, then went on with what he was saying.

I just find it hilarious. It was when he started calling me by my name rather than 'babe' I started to realise we were on the downward slope. Now we are apart and he said 'babe' again!

Guess it's a good thing his girlfriend wasn't here... no matter that I'm no threat to her at all, I still don't think she'd appreciate her boyfriend calling his ex a pet name!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Reinforcing Acceptance

This morning was another opportunity for me to reinforce my children's acceptance to all differences in people's lives. My son said something about having a boyfriend and my daughter said, no you can't have a boyfriend, you have to have a girlfriend and I'll have a boyfriend.

I went up to her and reminded her that a boy can have a boyfriend because boys can fall in love with each other just like girls can. I went on to explain as simply as possible about the fact that there were people that weren't so accepting and can be a bit mean about it, but it is always important to be friends with people no matter who they love or the colour of their skin or where they are from.

Her responses were so adorable. Straight after I said the first part she said to me "I know that mummy", as if I was being silly to remind her of something so obvious. In regards to being accepting of people regardless of the colour of their skin or where they were from, her reply was that she likes people who look different and people from other places because they can teach her things.

She has such a wonderful view on life, I really hope that she's not effected by any teasing when I eventually come out. She has a distant cousin with 2 mums, so I may get them to play together a bit more when I come out so my daughter has someone closer to her age to talk to!

Being a good girl (1)

Following through with a previous post, last night I made an effort to get to bed by 12am. Well I got myself off the computer at 12.08 - better than normal! Unfortunately by the time I checked that doors were locked and kids were sleeping soundly it was 12.30am. Luckily I didn't have to be up till 7.30am this morning so I got 7 hours sleep - more than I normally get. Although I did get a 2am interruption with my son yelling for water!

So I got up with more time to spare this morning - I've found there is one downside though... My daughter was just yelling at me to come on so she could get to school. I don't think she knows what to do with herself with extra time before we have to leave!

Inspirational Quote for the Day!

This is one of my all time favourite quotes - and one I need to remind myself of more often!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I need sleep!

I was going to head this post with the title of "I'm such a Moron", but thought calling myself a moron might be counterproductive to my efforts to improve my self esteem!

I seem to have a weird compulsion to delay going to bed every night! I tell myself I'll go to bed by at least 12am, but quite often an hour or 2 hours later, I'm still up... on the computer or watching tv. 

I know part of it is because I get such limited time to myself, I try to grab as much as I can while the kids are asleep... but I do it even when the kids dad has had them all day so I've had plenty of time to myself.

I've read that the optimum amount of time to sleep is 6-8 hours. I sometimes manage the 6 hours, but that's only if I wake up at the last possible time that will enable me to get my daughter to school on time.

I'm always tired and run down. I'd planned to go to the gym every day this week and only managed it once so far. I was planning to today, but woke up feeling like crap. And I know that this cold I now have probably wouldn't have hit me if I wasn't run down.

It is so frustrating - especially as it is all my fault! I'm doing this to myself, and in doing so hampering my efforts  to improve myself.

Well no more! I'm going to state here and now that I refuse to do this to myself anymore! Barring non sleeping kids and the occasional fun night out I will be going to bed by 12am every night! I'll make sure to blog here about my progress to keep me accountable! Probably not the most interesting posts to add to a blog, but I'll try to keep them short and sweet!

Just hoping I actually make it to tonight before I fall asleep!

My Dryer is Possessed!


The noises coming from it these days keep me constantly cringing. To add to it, every so often during a cycle there is a huge thump where it sounds like the whole machine is going to jump off the wall.

I'm just crossing my fingers that even possessed, my dryer lives and continues to dry our clothes. 

While nerve wracking, I'd much rather have insanely weird noises coming from my laundry than no noise at all!

I can't believe my kids are actually sleeping through this! 

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Coming Out Concerns (Part 2) Can my kids cope with this as well?

One of my greatest concerns in regards to coming out, is my children. When would be the best time to tell them? A lot depends on this answer as I don't want my kids to hear about it from someone else. Considering what the grapevine is like around here, there isn't many friends/family I can come out to without the worry that it will get back to them. 

I really don't think it will upset them all that much within the home. My daughter may be a bit confused as to why I might have a girlfriend in the future, if I liked 'boys' like daddy in the past. But I have always been very open about same sex relationships around them. My cousin is a lesbian and my kids know she has a girlfriend, so they are probably a bit more aware than in other families where it isn't talked of at all.

I just worry that it will be that one thing too much for them. In my previous post I mentioned at length how my daughter isn't coping well at the moment and I have no clue if me telling her will help her or make it worse. Even though she has said a few times that she wants her dad and me to get back together, she also gets excited at the idea of me getting together with someone else. Mainly because she knows that there is a higher possibility of me getting pregnant and having another baby if I was with someone else (she really wants a baby sister).

My ex started up with the new girlfriend immediately following the separation (probably before, but only visibly after). I had to explain about mummy and daddy meeting other people the same night that we told them that we were separating as I knew that my ex wouldn't hold off on introducing them to the girlfriend for long. They have coped quite well with this. Luckily the girlfriend is actually decent. She's good to the kids and actually listens to my concerns, so I don't have to worry about some evil hell bitch upsetting my children.

So they have one parent who moved on extremely quickly, and I'm not sure if the stability of me not changing right now is one of those things that my kids really need. Even if I'm not dating right now, will their altered perception of me be too much? Would it actually help them and get them looking forward if I tell them that I might have a girlfriend and that there might be fun festivals that we can all go to?

I really have no clue where to start. I'm just terrified of making the wrong move and making things worse for the kids. How on earth do I figure out the right time to let them know? 

Beyond the uncertainty of how much my daughter can cope with is the uncertainty of how much my son would be able to understand at all. He is moderately autistic, some things he doesn't understand at all, but others he seems to understand beyond what anyone else can. He also tends to stick to certain rules. For example... kinder is tomorrow, so that is where we must go tomorrow, if we went shopping instead, he'd be completely unsettled. If I wait too long in making him aware that his family may include a girlfriend for mummy, he may pick up on the way other families are structured and he won't be able to cope with the change. I could have the same problem even once I do tell him, if someone else tells him that his family shouldn't be that way - he'd get all mixed up and confused again.

Lots of questions, and no easy answers that I can see! Looks like I've got some research to do!

Confidence taking a beating again tonight!

"You're the stupidest mum in the whole wide world."

Welcome to my saga of the unreachable daughter. Of course, being told by a 7 year old that I'm the stupidest mum in the whole wide world isn't going to shake my confidence in my intelligence, I may have low self esteem - but I'm not insane!

What does shake my confidence is that I can't find a way to get through to her. She is really a very sweet natured girl, she is perfect at school and on her best behaviour when staying with friends, and she can be adorable at home - when she wants to be.

She has a lot to deal with for her age, becoming disillusioned with her dad, the separation, her dad suddenly becoming nice again on their 'Daddy' Days, and on top of that her brother has moderate autism which is stressful for her on many levels.

She can be extremely rude, naughty and enjoys triggering her brother's autistic behaviour. When I try to get through to her, she ends up talking back, having a screaming fit, completely ignoring me or bursting into tears saying everyone is mean to her.

So I'm left feeling exausted, wrung out, frustrated, and guilty that I've made her sad - even when I've been very lenient in her punishment (eg. taking her radio away for the night).

I can't even get the quiet enjoyment I used to get when we had snuggle time because she has become extremely clingy and her hugs just get too much. I know that is a strange thing to say for hugs, especially as I love hugging my kids, but it is not as enjoyable when they cling so hard and so long that you can't get things done because they won't let go.

I know a lot of her behaviour is a delayed reaction to the separation between her dad and me. Before when she remembered her dad ignoring her and pushing her to one side, she wasn't upset about him leaving, but now that he is a great once a fortnight dad, she wants him back here with us. I've had to confirm a few times now that we won't be getting back together when she has asked. I feel horrible everytime I've had to do it, but I can't let her hold on to false hope either.

She is going to the school chaplain once a week to chat about her worries and I'm trying to keep to a routine here at home. I've been told she will get past this, we just have to ride it out till she does.

Meanwhile I'll still be looking around for new ideas on how to help her, because I just can't bear to see her so unhappy. I'll also make it a point to blog about when she is happy or has been particularly good, it is all too easy to focus on the bad behavior and forget to encourage the good. If I have her good behavior recorded I can remind her (with examples) of why I am proud of her when she starts to act out.

Ahhh.... all is quiet from her room, cross your fingers everyone that it stays that way till morning!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Out of Nowhere

Out of nowhere a short while ago my 5 year old son informed me that he is going to New York City tomorrow...

This is a few hours after he told me he wanted to go to China to do some shopping.

Really wish I could understand his thought processes sometimes. I'm sure it would be fascinating.

Concerns about coming out Part 1

I'm a very open person, what you see is what you get basically. 

The last couple of years of my marriage caused a lot of stress for me because not only was I dealing with the end of a relationship and a new awareness of my own sexuality, but I had to hide it as I didn't want there to be any problems if a miracle occurred and my ex and I managed to work things out. 

The relief I felt when I didn't have to hide my feelings about my marriage anymore was enormous. It felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

However, it's now 'off with the old and on with the new'. This new load isn't quite so heavy, but it does leave me feeling frustrated. 

I am so happy with the direction my life is now going in that I don't want to keep it to myself. I'm definitely not one to stay in the closet for long. Personally I couldn't care less about what anyone thinks of me. I spent too long being unhappy to let anyone else dictate how I should live my life... but I do worry about the impact to my children, and I do stress a bit at coming out to my parents.

I decided to write down what my worries were in the hopes I can figure out how to approach the situation.

My Coming Out Concerns...
1) Can my kids cope with this on top of dealing with the separation?
2) Will it cause my kids problems at school?
3) Will my ex cause problems which will effect the kids once he finds out?
4) My parents
5) My friends

I think they are the main ones for now, I'm sure there will be more I need to work through once I've worked through these.

I'm going to sleep on it, and blog about Concern #1 tomorrow!

Sunday, June 15, 2008


Ok, so here is where I stood last year...

I was 30 years old, unhappy in my marriage but blessed with 2 gorgeous children. It was at the beginning of the year that I became aware that I was interested in women. 

...A little slow on the uptake I know.

I would have never even thought of straying from my marriage though, so I was left even more unhappy thinking I'd never be able to experience being with another woman. 

Luckily for me my husband obviously was also wanting to experience being with another woman, and he left. 

It seems really strange to be so happy he left, I know most women would be shattered if their husbands left them, but not me. My life has now opened up to a whole new world of possibilities.

I lost a lot of confidence through my marriage and while I grew as a mother, I really didn't grow much as a woman. It is like I put that side of me on hold while I tried to become the perfect housewife - something that I never felt successful at because lets face it, while I'm a great mum - I'm crap at keeping house! 

So here I now stand, ready to get my life under control, ready to discover who I am as a woman as well as a mum, and ready to accept and have new experiences as a lesbian.