Monday, July 7, 2008

Why I want to come out now...

In a recent post I was questioning why I wanted to come out now so much. After all, I've been separated now for 6 months - why didn't I get the urge sooner?

It was only today at a friends house that I figured it out. I don't want to lie by omission.

So often in conversations these days I end up talking about moving on and my plans for years to come... and I just hate the way I have to state things. I'm talking about dating again and being open to the idea of having another baby if I meet the right person which is all true... but I'm just so constantly aware of the huge part of my conversation that I know is there but my friends don't. It is so glaringly obvious to me when I use gender nonspecific words, that I can't have these talks without feeling like a complete liar!

I think it is also because I'm hopefully about to reach settlement with my ex. A huge part of me has been mainly waiting for settlement before I come out just in case my ex reacts badly and it has an effect on what he is willing to agree to. I'm in a really bad financial situation because until my son starts school full time I can't work at all, so I really can't afford for what should be a friendly settlement become fraught with issues.

It is so frustrating, just as I get some answers to some of my questions, more questions just pop up. I've got so much new awareness and what if's and when should I's going around that I think I just really need to go to bed and sleep on it!

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