Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wow - what a difference!!!!

Well, I'm still not quite hyped about getting my house up to scratch, but wow did my walk do wonders!

My son & I went on a walking track quite close to us. They have recently sealed a old walking track that goes through the bush along a creek and it goes for 1.5kms. We walked for half an hour (thought any longer would be too much for 5 year old legs).

It was such a lovely walk. For ages I've said I hated walking because I thought it was boring. Well it is when you walk around the suburbs, but walking through the bush is fantastic.

I'd completely forgotten.

Back in school I spent one of my years at the bush campus where we hiked all the time. I'd really forgotten the peaceful feeling of walking through the bush (although back then we weren't hiking on sealed pathways - more like hiking trails where we had to dodge snakes and wombats - lol).

I'm definitely going for another walk tomorrow.

Out of it lately!

Ever since February I've totally lost focus - but lately it is even worse. I just can't seem to get my arse into gear. I've been even more despondent I guess because of the stress of my ex stopping his mortgage payments.

I don't know what we are going to do next month because mum just can't help me - she doesn't have enough herself.

And I'm also stressing because it seems that my ex won't agree to let me keep the house. And even if he does I feel horrendous at accepting my parents offer to pay out half my mortgage so I can afford repayments.

I originally agreed because I thought their help would all come from my part of a trust set up for us kids for when my step dad passes away. Since it would be coming to me anyway I was happy to receive it now when I needed it instead of when someone I loves dies.

However I've now found out that my mum will have to chip in from her super, and even though she can access her super she isn't sure whether she will be allowed to work still after she has accessed it.

Besides this because of the stockmarket plunge - they are losing a whole lot more than they planned when they made the offer.

I doubt they'd let me refuse, and I've been told by numerous people I'd be crazy to refuse. Especially because I need this house so much because of my son's special needs. But it does still leave me feeling guilty. 

Someone did tell me a good idea though. If mum finds she needs her money in years to come, I can always sell at a later date and pay her back then.

But in the mean time I have to show them that I'm going to put the effort in to fixing my life and keeping my house nice. If they are going out of their way I need to meet them half way.

Problem - I just can't get going! My ex is losing weight, got a girlfriend and moving on with his life and I feel like I'm stagnating.

I want to lose weight, get a girlfriend and move on with my life too!

Well plans are in the works. I've promised my son we'd go for a walk today - he won't let me get away with not doing it.

And I've decided that if I can afford it - I'm definitely going back to Uni next year (I'll give more details about that in a later post). Now I just have to focus on my home.

Easier said than done. 

Maybe the walk will energise me some.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why on earth is it so exciting to see a Kookaburra???

I could understand getting excited about seeing a Kookaburra if I wasn't from Australia, or even if I lived closer to the city therefore rarely saw one.

But I live in outer suburbs where there is bushland a short walk away. We hear kookaburras quite often and have had them in our backyard over 10 times that I have noticed.

So why is it that everytime I see one I call for the kids to come have a look and I just stand and watch even if the kids aren't with me????? 

Sure they are rarer than magpies (we have about 8 of those that hang around our garden and totally freak me out during swooping season), but they're not as rare as a Koala in a tree here (that happens about once every couple of years). I just don't understand where my excitement is coming from!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Where's the Rainbow Marbles Food?

Another classic from my son!

He was actually asking for the smarties! We don't have them often enough for him to have picked up what they are called!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Just Came Out to my Lawyer!

It's so weird. I actually feel more weird about it than when I told the 5 of my friends that know now.

In fact those 5 friends were so cool about it, I didn't feel sick after telling them at all - just relief and happiness that I can have a conversation about future plans without having to be careful of what I am saying.

But I can tell with a few people, I'll still feel worried after telling them - the kind of worried where your stomach churns and you feel sick till you can get it out of your mind.

I feel like that about my lawyer. I have no idea why though. We are right in the middle of what may turn out to be a not so nice separation anymore. Especially as my ex didn't pay his half of the mortgage yesterday. My parents can scrape up enough to help me this week - but can't after that - they just can't afford it. So as you can see it's not going to be pretty.

I've been totally stressing out that as it gets ugly, that when I do come out - my ex (who does have a gay couple as friends), might freak out go all homophobic and threaten to take the kids for more than he has now. 

If my kids asked themselves to spend more time with dad - I'd let them... but he is a crap full time dad and definitely shouldn't have them if his only reason is to hurt me, or take them away from me for  ridiculous reasons. He is good to them in small doses - but if he had them for longer and for reasons other than he WANTED to spend more time with them - the kids would suffer for it. 

So I asked my lawyer about it today. She told me not to worry about it. She said any Judge gets very annoyed with ex's that  try to do this so long after the separation. I asked if it would make any difference when he wasn't aware of the fact I am a lesbian for all that time. She said it still wouldn't make a difference and that he'd have to prove that I was a bad mother during that time. And a Judge would still be annoyed at him using that reason to take the kids for more time.

So that's a huge relief as I have been really worried about that. I suppose if it came to the worst and I had to prove that I was a good mother - I have many people who could write on my behalf that I am a good mum.

Anyway gotta go, call the lawyer back as we really don't want this to go to court if we can avoid it!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Note to self: Try to keep your urge to come out under wraps tonight!

Ok, so I mentioned that I'm having a girl's night tonight. Of course - this includes drinks. 


None, except for the fact that under the influence I always seem to get the urge to share secrets that I really don't need to share.

It will even be harder tonight because two of the girls coming, I'm already out to. The other one coming is a really close friend that I want to tell, but I'm not sure of her views yet. It is doubtful she'd have problems with it, but I'd rather sound her out in a controlled environment (or rather an environment in which I'm controlled - lol), so I know for sure if I can tell her before I come out to everyone.

So this is basically a reminder to myself - drink, be merry - but DON'T SHARE!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Girls Night Tonight!

Well, my kids are at their dads again so I'm all on my lonesome!

I've actually organised for a few friends to come over this evening. I've got one definite and 3 most likelys. Unfortunately tonight is the last Saturday of the holidays so most people have got something on, but even if it is just me and one friend it will be a fun night. Much better than sitting here all on my lonesome.

I plan to have friends over each Saturday night that my ex has my kids and I've got about 5 girls saying they'll definitely be here for the next one.

I figured, I don't want to spend the evening alone, but I'm not ready to go out and meet people yet and also I have no money to go out. What better idea than to open my house to other mums that need a few hours away from their kids!

Anyway gotta go - I'm trying to get a whole lot of decluttering done before anyone arrives tonight!

Does my sexuality excuse his faults???

I'm kind of upset right now at my ex. I was planning on doing a big rant because he just told me he is going to stop paying his side of the mortgage from this month because he needs the money for his 'legal team' (god he sounded pretentious when he said that!). So I'm left having to accept help from my parents again - which they really don't need because my stepfather just came out of hospital!

Anyway I was planning on going on about it, but the news is just a couple of hours old and I can't wrap my head around it just yet - even to write at length about it.

However the thing I do want to write about right now is to do with my ex.

Currently the general mood amongst family and friends is that my ex was not a good husband or father. There may have been a few unuttered thoughts in regards to me not being brilliant at keeping house and my weight gain over my marriage, but the general thought is that he is the one mainly at fault. Especially considering he is the one that left, and had an immediate girlfriend.

I'm not blind to my own faults, but there really was a lot that I put up with in my marriage that I really shouldn't have put up with.

Here's the thing. I'm worried that when I come out, some of my current supporters will forget all they believe right now and say that his actions are excused because his wife is a lesbian.

Now if he had affairs (beyond the current girlfriend who he says he only started with after we separated), that could be understandable. Not forgiven - but understandable. After all he had a wife that did not want to sleep with him. But any of his other actions have no relevance to my sexuality and I just really don't want them discounted.

I'm not saying I want people to be remembering forever that he is a prick. Most of the time, I'm not really all that bitter about it and will be happy to forget it and move on. After all I don't have to put up with it now - so everything is already so much better. But I was really unhappy, beyond the fact that my sexuality wasn't compatible to marriage with a man and I hate the idea of that unhappiness could possibly treated as if I caused it all myself.

I'm probably not making any sense at all as it is one of those topics that takes me round in circles and the point I'm trying to make usually gets lost in the confusion.

Oh well, regardless if it makes any sense to others, it helped to vent a little!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Cat in the Hat

"Dirty hoe"

"Cats always land on their pussy"

"I'll get you and it will look like a bloody accident"

Now tell me... do these lines sound like they belong in a children's movie??? Luckily most of it goes over my kids heads but they did pick up on that last line and think it is hilarious. They keep saying it over and over again. 

I'm hoping if I ignore them saying it, they'll lose interest.

And that annoying inappropriate dvd is going back to the video store TODAY!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Oh My God - We have ducks in our backyard right now!

I was just looking out my kitchen window and saw two ducks in my backyard! I have never seen ducks here before. I live in the outer suburbs so it is a bit more leafy than the inner suburbs, but I don't have a pool for them to be interested in and to my knowledge there isn't a pool in my surrounding neighbors places!

When I went outside to get a picture of them they waddled all the way to my back door - I wouldn't have been surprised if they had let me pat them! (Didn't try though, because  then my son would have tried and probably poked their eye out!).

They are obviously looking for food, but I didn't give them any because I remember being told that bread is actually bad for them - besides, as much as they are a lovely surprise - I don't think it would be healthy for them to set up house here when we don't have a pool!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I'm still a total moron!

What the hell is wrong with me? Is there some sort of support group for idiots that just won't get themselves to bed on time despite knowing they have to get up early and have no chance for a day nap because they are entertaining children who are antsy because it is the 2nd week of school holidays?

I'm going to bed... and in the morning I'll have a gazillion beroccas and call my mum with lots of love because she dropped in last night with coffee since I'm totally out of money and was all out of coffee.

I'd consider even going to the chemist for No Doze like I did when I was in Uni if I didn't think it would probably react badly with my epilepsy medication!!!

It's not like I can't sleep when I get to bed. I just blather around on the internet or with a book or watching tv.

Moron, moron, moron.

hmmm. I may not be a heterosexual housewife anymore and I may be a Lesbian mother now... but I think I've still got a long way to go from Insecure to Confident. Especially when I keep doing things that really are moronic and don't allow for me to say this is who I am take it or leave it! I think I'm my own worst enemy.

See I get all depressed and introspective when I stay up late.

Going to bed right now!!!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Ewww, smells like feet!

I swear my son is in training to be a comedian today!

He was just playing in my loungeroom (my very recently cleaned and lovely smelling loungeroom btw), and came running out saying..

"ewww, smells like feet"

He had to have gotten that line from tv too considering I don't remember his feet ever smelling bad!

20 minutes later and more confirmation of too much tv!

My son has a really bad cough at the moment, but still in good (cheeky) spirits. So a short while ago after a short bout of coughing, he stopped looked at me and said "hairball". 

I cracked up and asked him if he said what I thought he said. 

His answer... "from Cat in the Hat".

He really is funny at times!

Run for your life... the aliens are coming...

My son is a never ending source of amusement. Upon me handing him his sisters "Bratz" towel after he got out of the shower, he dropped it and started to run around the house naked saying...

"Run for your life... the aliens are coming..."

Now it could just be because that line comes from a Bratz movie...

but it could also show his view on Bratz overall!

Either way, I think he is watching too much tv.

Why I want to come out now...

In a recent post I was questioning why I wanted to come out now so much. After all, I've been separated now for 6 months - why didn't I get the urge sooner?

It was only today at a friends house that I figured it out. I don't want to lie by omission.

So often in conversations these days I end up talking about moving on and my plans for years to come... and I just hate the way I have to state things. I'm talking about dating again and being open to the idea of having another baby if I meet the right person which is all true... but I'm just so constantly aware of the huge part of my conversation that I know is there but my friends don't. It is so glaringly obvious to me when I use gender nonspecific words, that I can't have these talks without feeling like a complete liar!

I think it is also because I'm hopefully about to reach settlement with my ex. A huge part of me has been mainly waiting for settlement before I come out just in case my ex reacts badly and it has an effect on what he is willing to agree to. I'm in a really bad financial situation because until my son starts school full time I can't work at all, so I really can't afford for what should be a friendly settlement become fraught with issues.

It is so frustrating, just as I get some answers to some of my questions, more questions just pop up. I've got so much new awareness and what if's and when should I's going around that I think I just really need to go to bed and sleep on it!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Yay! I can finally watch The L Word!

There are a few tv shows that I love, but it so happens that 3 of them aren't what kids should walk in on.

Dexter, Queer as Folk & The L Word.

My problem? I have pretty much an open plan house and my son's bedroom opens off the loungeroom - and he can't go to sleep with his door closed.

So I have to wait till both kids have fallen asleep, then watch my show. Unfortunately this doesn't normally happen till after 11pm... which means that I just know I'll end up going to bed late again.

I just got the 2nd season of The L word from ebay and I'm sure that it will be as addicting as the first season was. 

Ok I'm going to state right now that I will only watch 1 episode tonight. Maybe stating that will be enough to stop me from watching the first dvd all in one go! We'll see...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Mummy I cut my finger off! I need a bandaid.

This is the sort of statement I hear regularly...

My son was just  playing outside and comes running inside yelling "Mummy, I cut my finger off - I need a bandaid!"

Of course it ended up being a tiny scratch that really didn't need a bandaid at all. However my son is entirely able to get himself in a situation where he could cut his finger off - so any of his statements like this give me mild heart attacks.

I swear I'm going to have grey hair soon!

I was about to come out to a family member but...

I'm so frustrated! I've been considering calling one of my cousins for advice for quite a while now. She is a lesbian, out and has a 11 year old daughter and as far as I know is totally accepted by the whole family. So she is the perfect person for me to talk to. However until recently I've been hesitant to tell anyone in the family just in case everyone found out before I was ready. My cousin's mum and my mum are sisters - and very close - so if my Aunt found out - my mum would find out from her.

However I've realised that it is extremely unlikely my cousin would tell anyone if I asked her not to - after all she has been where I am now. (Well kind of, she was never married with kids - but she did come out to the same family I'll have to come out to).

So I plucked up the courage and was about to email her to ask her to meet for lunch when I remembered - she is overseas for a month!!!!!

So I have to wait a few more weeks to share this with her. 

It's weird... I'm not currently in a relationship, I'm not interested in anyone right now... so there shouldn't be any overwhelming reason for me to come out yet. I was planning on waiting till I'd met someone I wanted to introduce to the family. However as time goes on I feel the need more and more to come out. 

From the conversations I've had with my daughter I'm almost certain she would have no problem with it whatsoever, I've even touched upon the subject of people who aren't so accepting and how she should respond to them. So the groundwork is in place to make it easier on her.

I want to come out and I just don't know why it seems more and more urgent! All I know for now is that I want to talk to my cousin and she's not here! :-(

God I sound like a petulant child! I'm going to bed before I sink any further and stomp my foot!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Thankyou Sh@ney!!!

Just wanted to say a big thank-you to Sh@ney over at LGBT Bloggers for my beautiful  header and for letting other readers know about me!

I wanted to make my header more interesting but I'm kind of clueless design wise so had no idea how to do it! So lots of hugs and kisses! I love it!


Sorry for dropping off the end of the world for a while! In the last two weeks I've had end of school term madness, beginning of holidays madness. Add to that, my daughter took over my computer a lot of the time too as I started up a blog for her. She loves writing and I thought having her own blog would help her with spelling, phrasing and storytelling. I forgot to consider that if she was nuts about blogging - I'd lose my computer.

Luckily her dad is coming around tomorrow to see the kids and he will also set up internet on her computer (with appropriate child safety programs of course), so I'll won't have to have races to beat my daughter to the computer anymore! :-)