Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Coming Out Concerns (Part 2) Can my kids cope with this as well?

One of my greatest concerns in regards to coming out, is my children. When would be the best time to tell them? A lot depends on this answer as I don't want my kids to hear about it from someone else. Considering what the grapevine is like around here, there isn't many friends/family I can come out to without the worry that it will get back to them. 

I really don't think it will upset them all that much within the home. My daughter may be a bit confused as to why I might have a girlfriend in the future, if I liked 'boys' like daddy in the past. But I have always been very open about same sex relationships around them. My cousin is a lesbian and my kids know she has a girlfriend, so they are probably a bit more aware than in other families where it isn't talked of at all.

I just worry that it will be that one thing too much for them. In my previous post I mentioned at length how my daughter isn't coping well at the moment and I have no clue if me telling her will help her or make it worse. Even though she has said a few times that she wants her dad and me to get back together, she also gets excited at the idea of me getting together with someone else. Mainly because she knows that there is a higher possibility of me getting pregnant and having another baby if I was with someone else (she really wants a baby sister).

My ex started up with the new girlfriend immediately following the separation (probably before, but only visibly after). I had to explain about mummy and daddy meeting other people the same night that we told them that we were separating as I knew that my ex wouldn't hold off on introducing them to the girlfriend for long. They have coped quite well with this. Luckily the girlfriend is actually decent. She's good to the kids and actually listens to my concerns, so I don't have to worry about some evil hell bitch upsetting my children.

So they have one parent who moved on extremely quickly, and I'm not sure if the stability of me not changing right now is one of those things that my kids really need. Even if I'm not dating right now, will their altered perception of me be too much? Would it actually help them and get them looking forward if I tell them that I might have a girlfriend and that there might be fun festivals that we can all go to?

I really have no clue where to start. I'm just terrified of making the wrong move and making things worse for the kids. How on earth do I figure out the right time to let them know? 

Beyond the uncertainty of how much my daughter can cope with is the uncertainty of how much my son would be able to understand at all. He is moderately autistic, some things he doesn't understand at all, but others he seems to understand beyond what anyone else can. He also tends to stick to certain rules. For example... kinder is tomorrow, so that is where we must go tomorrow, if we went shopping instead, he'd be completely unsettled. If I wait too long in making him aware that his family may include a girlfriend for mummy, he may pick up on the way other families are structured and he won't be able to cope with the change. I could have the same problem even once I do tell him, if someone else tells him that his family shouldn't be that way - he'd get all mixed up and confused again.

Lots of questions, and no easy answers that I can see! Looks like I've got some research to do!


nina said...

I wanted to stop by and offer an ear. I have been where you are although it sounds as if you have more considerations with regard to your son. (((HUGS)))


butterfly said...

Thanks Nina, Just finding your blog helped me. It's great to hear from someone who has been through something similar to what I am going through and has 'come out' the other side (pardon the pun).