Eyes can play tricks on you - especially on youtube screenshots!

I was just browsing through YouTube for something a moment ago when I came across a video that was apparently video of many different couples (tv & movie). 

Normally I don't bother with these types of videos because, seen one, you pretty much have seen them all. However I clicked on it because I was certain the screenshot was of Melanie & Lindsay from QaF.

After watching all the way through I was wondering why I hadn't seen them in the video when they were on the screenshot.

So I saved the picture so I could get it a bit larger and figure out who it was that I had mistaken for Melanie

& Lindsay.

Well here it is...

                

                                                                                                                                       Clark & Chloe from Smallville!!! 

I was totally shocked because I was just so certain! 

I'm cutting myself some slack though because the screenshot on a search page on youtube is small enough to deceive you if the picture isn't 100% clear! Still a bit embarrassing thinking superman and his best friend were a lesbian couple!

Oh well, looking at it from another angle - I got kind of close - the shows were both filmed in Canada!

Can't get used to the word Lesbian!

I think I've come up against a stumbling block to my coming out. I feel awkward saying the word Lesbian out loud.

I have no problems writing it here now, but there was a time not so long ago that I couldn't think of it in relation to myself at all.

I honestly don't know what it is. Even before I realised that I like women, the word made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it was my subconscious telling me something? For years I quickly pushed aside any thoughts about women before I really had the chance of realising what they were so maybe the word made me uncomfortable because it is confronting. There is no avoiding what that word means unlike my thoughts at the time.

Once I did realise I liked women, for quite a while I thought of myself as Bi. Mainly because I thought I couldn't be a lesbian if I'd been in a relationship with a man and hadn't had an experience with a woman yet. Probably also because my husband has been the only man I've slept with... for a while I was thinking maybe it was just him that I wasn't attracted to and that I would be with another man.

I didn't have any problems saying the word Bi in relation to myself. In fact the small group of people I have told, I told I was Bi.

I know now though I definitely can't identify as Bi. I have absolutely no urge to be with a man whatsoever... in fact the very thought of it makes me shudder - and not in a good way!

So... I am a lesbian and happy to be so. I have no problems accepting it of myself these days, and not that many fears in regards to coming out with the exception of the effect on my kids.

But I still just can't say the word! I'd use the word Gay instead, but as Deborah over at All Things Queer  says, "I can't use the word "gay" because invariably I hear "man" right after it". GLTBI seems to separate me from the word Gay by adding the L in there. I know most Lesbians would probably be upset if the "L" wasn't there, and I probably would be too as the emphasis of the word gay seems to be on gay men. But it does make me quite reluctant to use the word for myself.

My problem? How on earth do I come out to people feeling so uncomfortable with the word? My comfort with actually coming out is partially taken away by the word.

And why on earth am I still uncomfortable with it anyway? I mean it is ridiculous. I'm not ashamed, I am comfortable with who I am so why on earth can't I say it out loud easily? 

House Full of Kids

I've got 4 kids today! One of my daughter's best friends has a little sister that goes to kinder with my son. Considering my son always bugs my daughter when she has a friend over, I decided to invite the little sister too so no one feels left out.

It's weird, you'd think it would be more work with 2 extra kids here - it is actually less work! I don't have to entertain them for once, they entertain themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of school, so I think I'll line up lots of play dates for the holidays otherwise I think I'll go nuts trying to think of new but free things to do!

Eyelids & Bandaids do not mix!

Talk about panic! While I was sweeping a moment ago my son was playing with opening bandaids. He has done this before without problems arising, so I left him to it.

Unfortunately, I had just finished  when I heard a gasp, I looked at my son and his eyes looked like something from some weird science fiction movie! 

He had decided to put bandaids on his eyelids! The gasp came when he wanted them off but realised it would hurt. 

I had a minor panic attack picturing having to drive to the doctors to get help as if I need to help him with something and he doesn't want help - he is too strong for me to hold down. Luckily he managed to get them off himself - as he ran away as soon as I tried.

He's all ok now - no problems at all. His beautiful eyes are still perfect, and the beautiful long lashes are still there. 

And I'm still here, heart still beating faster from the panic. 

I swear I'm surprised I don't have grey hair yet! 

Coming Out Concerns (3)... Problems at School

After my separation from my husband, the sense of relief was so great it never occurred to me to stay in the closet for long. I have been unhappy in a marriage for so long, I couldn't bear to live that way again just so everyone will accept me.

My cousin is a lesbian and she has a daughter that seems very well adjusted. Added to this, with my son's Autism, he's got more important things to focus on than his mum's sexual orientation, my daughter is already very strong, being the sister of a sibling with special needs, so she is aware of families that are a bit different. All of these things made me not even consider staying in the closet for the sake of my kid's life at school. It was a non issue.

However last night I started thinking about it. Am I selfish thinking this way? Am I being blinded by what I want? Would my kids be teased about it, or are kids pretty accepting these days? I live in the suburbs and a good portion of the mums are stay at home mums - so lots of gossiping at school drop off and pick up and I haven't overheard anything derogatory about gays.

I think it is seen as a bit of a novelty, but since I've heard some of them say "if I was a lesbian...", I figure they can't be too against it.

However, regardless how accepting our community is, I'm sure somewhere down the line the kids will be either teased or constantly questioned about it. I guess I'll just have to make sure - even more than I am already doing - that my kids have enough self esteem to deal with any teasing that might come their way.

I really don't think it is possible for me to not come out. I just can't imagine not being true to myself now that I can. But I just know I'm going to second guess myself constantly when it comes to my kids.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what happens to them there. I can ask teachers, but they don't always know what goes on in the playground. I really hope my kids feel they can come and talk to me about any  problems... but I know that my daughter already holds back from telling me some of her worries regardless of how open I am with her.

I guess all I can do is cross my fingers yet again and hope beyond hope that I'm not screwing up my kids school years! As adults they may be totally accepting and happy with it,  but I do worry that their school years may be tainted by teasing. I'm determined to be as prepared as I can be to help them through any problems. 

Luckily as I've found since starting this blog - there are lots of other mums out there with similar situations that I can reach out to to ask for advice! (See my blog roll for some of those great mums).

With Plumb???

Ok, I know being picky about someone else's writing I'm just asking for someone to point out mistakes that I'm sure to make at some point... 

Just can't help myself though. Recently I came across someone's writing where they finished a sentence stating the character did something 'with plumb'. 

The mood of the piece was actually quite serious, so cracking up because the character who should have done something with 'aplomb' is doing it 'with plumb', really kind of ruins the flow!

What I'm wondering is... was it a simple spelling error from lack of proof reading or does the writer go about writing 'with plumb' everytime they mean aplomb?

For the writer's sake, I really hope it was the former rather than the latter!

What do you think of Heterosexuals in Gay Bars?

This is a question I have been wondering about for a while. To be more clear, I do not mean friends of gays enjoying a night out with them, and I don't mean groups of homophobes looking to cause trouble.

I guess I am interested in what people think about those heterosexuals that come just to have a good time... but I'm mainly thinking about the ones who come because it seems like some great adventure. The giggly ones, who come because it is 'so cool' to go to a gay bar and the ones who go for a special event like a hen night.

I don't feel I can give any real opinion on this subject considering I'm yet to experience the night life since accepting I am a lesbian. But it is a subject that I am really interested in after a Hen Night I was part of last year.

The Matron of Honor organised for us to meet at the Xchange Hotel in South Yarra. I did have a fun time, the Drag show was brilliant - and it was nice being in a place where there was no chance of being hit on. However, there were many times while we were there that I just felt like cringing. I'm not sure how much of it was my own low self esteem and how much of it was legitimate, but I felt really embarrassed at the other girls actions at times. They were all very nice girls, but they got a bit over the top at times. They grabbed men to be in photos with us, and stuck in one giggly clump standing out like a sore thumb.

I know hen night's can be a bit like this anyway, but it really did embarrass me. It annoyed me at the same time though. I was right in the middle of being confused as to whether I was a lesbian or if I was just curious, but I had accepted enough to be really annoyed at these girls treated someone else's sexual preference as a fun adventure. At that time - and even now to a point, it's not a fun adventure for others to view. But I do know that for some of those that I come out to, it will be a bit exciting for them. Sort of 'ooh, I have a lesbian friend, that's so cool'. It kind of cheapens the journey I've been on to a sideshow of sorts.

Sorry, just realised I went off on a bit of tangent. As you can see I'm still all conflicted as to my opinions on subjects like this one. 

I really would love to get opinions from people who have been out for a while and can maybe give me a view beyond the confusing thoughts I'm having...

Inspirational Quote of the Day

One to remember when anyone starts to give up, thinking "how much of a difference can little old me make?"

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead

Hilarious

I just heard the most hilarious thing ever! My son was having a bath and I was out of the bathroom for a moment when I overheard him talking to his penis! He sounded so cute - even asked it a question! Apparently he wanted  to know if it wanted chips too!

Five years old and it is already the centre of his universe!

I'd just like to say that I am a moron!

I know I stopped myself from saying it before, but I can't get around it - I am a moron! Or I need to procrastinators anonymous. It is 2.49am and I have to be up to take my daughter to ballet in the morning! 

No way we can skip it considering I just payed Term 2 fees today. For both kids doing ballet it costs me almost $400 a term. That doesn't include uniform which as it is a strict ballet school, they have to have! The only way I can keep the kids in ballet is because of various government bonus' that come up from time to time. 

It is a good thing considering how much they both love ballet - and since I'm paying so much I refuse to let Zara skip a class because I'm a moron and won't go to bed on time. Not that she would let me. She is 7 and in her 4th year of ballet and wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. That goal may change, but she is pretty focused right now!

Anyway, blathered on as usual - just meant to mention that I was a moron and go to bed, yet here I am blathering on procrastinating again!

I'm going to bed now! Anyone, feel free to blast me if I do the same thing tonight!

How's this for a Report Card Comment???

This was written on my daughter's report card that we got today...

"Her kindness to others has made her extremely popular amongst her peers. She is a wonderful role model and a real asset to our class."

Academically she is at the level expected for her year and in a number of cases almost at grade 2 level (she is in grade 1). But for me, the fact that she got full marks for effort and class behavior and the above comment was written is the best part of the report!

Isn't she brilliant!

Quote for the Day

This one cracked me up - definitely identify with it.

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" 

~Author Unknown

Chuckle Chuckle

My ex came around to spend some time with the kids this evening. It was actually pretty relaxed for once. We are normally pleasant to each other but there is a layer of awkwardness in any of our interactions.

I think he got too relaxed because he accidentally called me 'Babe', like he used to. I could tell he realised because he paused for a second, then went on with what he was saying.

I just find it hilarious. It was when he started calling me by my name rather than 'babe' I started to realise we were on the downward slope. Now we are apart and he said 'babe' again!

Guess it's a good thing his girlfriend wasn't here... no matter that I'm no threat to her at all, I still don't think she'd appreciate her boyfriend calling his ex a pet name!

Reinforcing Acceptance

This morning was another opportunity for me to reinforce my children's acceptance to all differences in people's lives. My son said something about having a boyfriend and my daughter said, no you can't have a boyfriend, you have to have a girlfriend and I'll have a boyfriend.

I went up to her and reminded her that a boy can have a boyfriend because boys can fall in love with each other just like girls can. I went on to explain as simply as possible about the fact that there were people that weren't so accepting and can be a bit mean about it, but it is always important to be friends with people no matter who they love or the colour of their skin or where they are from.

Her responses were so adorable. Straight after I said the first part she said to me "I know that mummy", as if I was being silly to remind her of something so obvious. In regards to being accepting of people regardless of the colour of their skin or where they were from, her reply was that she likes people who look different and people from other places because they can teach her things.

She has such a wonderful view on life, I really hope that she's not effected by any teasing when I eventually come out. She has a distant cousin with 2 mums, so I may get them to play together a bit more when I come out so my daughter has someone closer to her age to talk to!

Being a good girl (1)

Following through with a previous post, last night I made an effort to get to bed by 12am. Well I got myself off the computer at 12.08 - better than normal! Unfortunately by the time I checked that doors were locked and kids were sleeping soundly it was 12.30am. Luckily I didn't have to be up till 7.30am this morning so I got 7 hours sleep - more than I normally get. Although I did get a 2am interruption with my son yelling for water!

So I got up with more time to spare this morning - I've found there is one downside though... My daughter was just yelling at me to come on so she could get to school. I don't think she knows what to do with herself with extra time before we have to leave!

Inspirational Quote for the Day!

This is one of my all time favourite quotes - and one I need to remind myself of more often!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

I need sleep!

I was going to head this post with the title of "I'm such a Moron", but thought calling myself a moron might be counterproductive to my efforts to improve my self esteem!

I seem to have a weird compulsion to delay going to bed every night! I tell myself I'll go to bed by at least 12am, but quite often an hour or 2 hours later, I'm still up... on the computer or watching tv. 

I know part of it is because I get such limited time to myself, I try to grab as much as I can while the kids are asleep... but I do it even when the kids dad has had them all day so I've had plenty of time to myself.

I've read that the optimum amount of time to sleep is 6-8 hours. I sometimes manage the 6 hours, but that's only if I wake up at the last possible time that will enable me to get my daughter to school on time.

I'm always tired and run down. I'd planned to go to the gym every day this week and only managed it once so far. I was planning to today, but woke up feeling like crap. And I know that this cold I now have probably wouldn't have hit me if I wasn't run down.

It is so frustrating - especially as it is all my fault! I'm doing this to myself, and in doing so hampering my efforts  to improve myself.

Well no more! I'm going to state here and now that I refuse to do this to myself anymore! Barring non sleeping kids and the occasional fun night out I will be going to bed by 12am every night! I'll make sure to blog here about my progress to keep me accountable! Probably not the most interesting posts to add to a blog, but I'll try to keep them short and sweet!

Just hoping I actually make it to tonight before I fall asleep!

My Dryer is Possessed!

Seriously.

The noises coming from it these days keep me constantly cringing. To add to it, every so often during a cycle there is a huge thump where it sounds like the whole machine is going to jump off the wall.

I'm just crossing my fingers that even possessed, my dryer lives and continues to dry our clothes. 

While nerve wracking, I'd much rather have insanely weird noises coming from my laundry than no noise at all!

I can't believe my kids are actually sleeping through this! 

Coming Out Concerns (Part 2) Can my kids cope with this as well?

One of my greatest concerns in regards to coming out, is my children. When would be the best time to tell them? A lot depends on this answer as I don't want my kids to hear about it from someone else. Considering what the grapevine is like around here, there isn't many friends/family I can come out to without the worry that it will get back to them. 

I really don't think it will upset them all that much within the home. My daughter may be a bit confused as to why I might have a girlfriend in the future, if I liked 'boys' like daddy in the past. But I have always been very open about same sex relationships around them. My cousin is a lesbian and my kids know she has a girlfriend, so they are probably a bit more aware than in other families where it isn't talked of at all.

I just worry that it will be that one thing too much for them. In my previous post I mentioned at length how my daughter isn't coping well at the moment and I have no clue if me telling her will help her or make it worse. Even though she has said a few times that she wants her dad and me to get back together, she also gets excited at the idea of me getting together with someone else. Mainly because she knows that there is a higher possibility of me getting pregnant and having another baby if I was with someone else (she really wants a baby sister).

My ex started up with the new girlfriend immediately following the separation (probably before, but only visibly after). I had to explain about mummy and daddy meeting other people the same night that we told them that we were separating as I knew that my ex wouldn't hold off on introducing them to the girlfriend for long. They have coped quite well with this. Luckily the girlfriend is actually decent. She's good to the kids and actually listens to my concerns, so I don't have to worry about some evil hell bitch upsetting my children.

So they have one parent who moved on extremely quickly, and I'm not sure if the stability of me not changing right now is one of those things that my kids really need. Even if I'm not dating right now, will their altered perception of me be too much? Would it actually help them and get them looking forward if I tell them that I might have a girlfriend and that there might be fun festivals that we can all go to?

I really have no clue where to start. I'm just terrified of making the wrong move and making things worse for the kids. How on earth do I figure out the right time to let them know? 

Beyond the uncertainty of how much my daughter can cope with is the uncertainty of how much my son would be able to understand at all. He is moderately autistic, some things he doesn't understand at all, but others he seems to understand beyond what anyone else can. He also tends to stick to certain rules. For example... kinder is tomorrow, so that is where we must go tomorrow, if we went shopping instead, he'd be completely unsettled. If I wait too long in making him aware that his family may include a girlfriend for mummy, he may pick up on the way other families are structured and he won't be able to cope with the change. I could have the same problem even once I do tell him, if someone else tells him that his family shouldn't be that way - he'd get all mixed up and confused again.

Lots of questions, and no easy answers that I can see! Looks like I've got some research to do!

Confidence taking a beating again tonight!

"You're the stupidest mum in the whole wide world."

Welcome to my saga of the unreachable daughter. Of course, being told by a 7 year old that I'm the stupidest mum in the whole wide world isn't going to shake my confidence in my intelligence, I may have low self esteem - but I'm not insane!

What does shake my confidence is that I can't find a way to get through to her. She is really a very sweet natured girl, she is perfect at school and on her best behaviour when staying with friends, and she can be adorable at home - when she wants to be.

She has a lot to deal with for her age, becoming disillusioned with her dad, the separation, her dad suddenly becoming nice again on their 'Daddy' Days, and on top of that her brother has moderate autism which is stressful for her on many levels.

She can be extremely rude, naughty and enjoys triggering her brother's autistic behaviour. When I try to get through to her, she ends up talking back, having a screaming fit, completely ignoring me or bursting into tears saying everyone is mean to her.

So I'm left feeling exausted, wrung out, frustrated, and guilty that I've made her sad - even when I've been very lenient in her punishment (eg. taking her radio away for the night).

I can't even get the quiet enjoyment I used to get when we had snuggle time because she has become extremely clingy and her hugs just get too much. I know that is a strange thing to say for hugs, especially as I love hugging my kids, but it is not as enjoyable when they cling so hard and so long that you can't get things done because they won't let go.

I know a lot of her behaviour is a delayed reaction to the separation between her dad and me. Before when she remembered her dad ignoring her and pushing her to one side, she wasn't upset about him leaving, but now that he is a great once a fortnight dad, she wants him back here with us. I've had to confirm a few times now that we won't be getting back together when she has asked. I feel horrible everytime I've had to do it, but I can't let her hold on to false hope either.

She is going to the school chaplain once a week to chat about her worries and I'm trying to keep to a routine here at home. I've been told she will get past this, we just have to ride it out till she does.

Meanwhile I'll still be looking around for new ideas on how to help her, because I just can't bear to see her so unhappy. I'll also make it a point to blog about when she is happy or has been particularly good, it is all too easy to focus on the bad behavior and forget to encourage the good. If I have her good behavior recorded I can remind her (with examples) of why I am proud of her when she starts to act out.

Ahhh.... all is quiet from her room, cross your fingers everyone that it stays that way till morning!

Out of Nowhere

Out of nowhere a short while ago my 5 year old son informed me that he is going to New York City tomorrow...

This is a few hours after he told me he wanted to go to China to do some shopping.

Really wish I could understand his thought processes sometimes. I'm sure it would be fascinating.

Concerns about coming out Part 1

I'm a very open person, what you see is what you get basically. 

The last couple of years of my marriage caused a lot of stress for me because not only was I dealing with the end of a relationship and a new awareness of my own sexuality, but I had to hide it as I didn't want there to be any problems if a miracle occurred and my ex and I managed to work things out. 

The relief I felt when I didn't have to hide my feelings about my marriage anymore was enormous. It felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

However, it's now 'off with the old and on with the new'. This new load isn't quite so heavy, but it does leave me feeling frustrated. 

I am so happy with the direction my life is now going in that I don't want to keep it to myself. I'm definitely not one to stay in the closet for long. Personally I couldn't care less about what anyone thinks of me. I spent too long being unhappy to let anyone else dictate how I should live my life... but I do worry about the impact to my children, and I do stress a bit at coming out to my parents.

I decided to write down what my worries were in the hopes I can figure out how to approach the situation.

My Coming Out Concerns...

1) Can my kids cope with this on top of dealing with the separation?

2) Will it cause my kids problems at school?

3) Will my ex cause problems which will effect the kids once he finds out?

4) My parents

5) My friends

I think they are the main ones for now, I'm sure there will be more I need to work through once I've worked through these.

I'm going to sleep on it, and blog about Concern #1 tomorrow!

Emerging...

Ok, so here is where I stood last year...

I was 30 years old, unhappy in my marriage but blessed with 2 gorgeous children. It was at the beginning of the year that I became aware that I was interested in women. 

...A little slow on the uptake I know.

I would have never even thought of straying from my marriage though, so I was left even more unhappy thinking I'd never be able to experience being with another woman. 

Luckily for me my husband obviously was also wanting to experience being with another woman, and he left. 

It seems really strange to be so happy he left, I know most women would be shattered if their husbands left them, but not me. My life has now opened up to a whole new world of possibilities.

I lost a lot of confidence through my marriage and while I grew as a mother, I really didn't grow much as a woman. It is like I put that side of me on hold while I tried to become the perfect housewife - something that I never felt successful at because lets face it, while I'm a great mum - I'm crap at keeping house! 

So here I now stand, ready to get my life under control, ready to discover who I am as a woman as well as a mum, and ready to accept and have new experiences as a lesbian.