Run for your life... the aliens are coming...

My son is a never ending source of amusement. Upon me handing him his sisters "Bratz" towel after he got out of the shower, he dropped it and started to run around the house naked saying...

"Run for your life... the aliens are coming..."

Now it could just be because that line comes from a Bratz movie...

but it could also show his view on Bratz overall!

Either way, I think he is watching too much tv.

Why I want to come out now...

In a recent post I was questioning why I wanted to come out now so much. After all, I've been separated now for 6 months - why didn't I get the urge sooner?

It was only today at a friends house that I figured it out. I don't want to lie by omission.

So often in conversations these days I end up talking about moving on and my plans for years to come... and I just hate the way I have to state things. I'm talking about dating again and being open to the idea of having another baby if I meet the right person which is all true... but I'm just so constantly aware of the huge part of my conversation that I know is there but my friends don't. It is so glaringly obvious to me when I use gender nonspecific words, that I can't have these talks without feeling like a complete liar!

I think it is also because I'm hopefully about to reach settlement with my ex. A huge part of me has been mainly waiting for settlement before I come out just in case my ex reacts badly and it has an effect on what he is willing to agree to. I'm in a really bad financial situation because until my son starts school full time I can't work at all, so I really can't afford for what should be a friendly settlement become fraught with issues.

It is so frustrating, just as I get some answers to some of my questions, more questions just pop up. I've got so much new awareness and what if's and when should I's going around that I think I just really need to go to bed and sleep on it!

Yay! I can finally watch The L Word!

There are a few tv shows that I love, but it so happens that 3 of them aren't what kids should walk in on.

Dexter, Queer as Folk & The L Word.

My problem? I have pretty much an open plan house and my son's bedroom opens off the loungeroom - and he can't go to sleep with his door closed.

So I have to wait till both kids have fallen asleep, then watch my show. Unfortunately this doesn't normally happen till after 11pm... which means that I just know I'll end up going to bed late again.

I just got the 2nd season of The L word from ebay and I'm sure that it will be as addicting as the first season was. 

Ok I'm going to state right now that I will only watch 1 episode tonight. Maybe stating that will be enough to stop me from watching the first dvd all in one go! We'll see...

Mummy I cut my finger off! I need a bandaid.

This is the sort of statement I hear regularly...

My son was just  playing outside and comes running inside yelling "Mummy, I cut my finger off - I need a bandaid!"

Of course it ended up being a tiny scratch that really didn't need a bandaid at all. However my son is entirely able to get himself in a situation where he could cut his finger off - so any of his statements like this give me mild heart attacks.

I swear I'm going to have grey hair soon!

I was about to come out to a family member but...

I'm so frustrated! I've been considering calling one of my cousins for advice for quite a while now. She is a lesbian, out and has a 11 year old daughter and as far as I know is totally accepted by the whole family. So she is the perfect person for me to talk to. However until recently I've been hesitant to tell anyone in the family just in case everyone found out before I was ready. My cousin's mum and my mum are sisters - and very close - so if my Aunt found out - my mum would find out from her.

However I've realised that it is extremely unlikely my cousin would tell anyone if I asked her not to - after all she has been where I am now. (Well kind of, she was never married with kids - but she did come out to the same family I'll have to come out to).

So I plucked up the courage and was about to email her to ask her to meet for lunch when I remembered - she is overseas for a month!!!!!

So I have to wait a few more weeks to share this with her. 

It's weird... I'm not currently in a relationship, I'm not interested in anyone right now... so there shouldn't be any overwhelming reason for me to come out yet. I was planning on waiting till I'd met someone I wanted to introduce to the family. However as time goes on I feel the need more and more to come out. 

From the conversations I've had with my daughter I'm almost certain she would have no problem with it whatsoever, I've even touched upon the subject of people who aren't so accepting and how she should respond to them. So the groundwork is in place to make it easier on her.

I want to come out and I just don't know why it seems more and more urgent! All I know for now is that I want to talk to my cousin and she's not here! :-(

God I sound like a petulant child! I'm going to bed before I sink any further and stomp my foot!

Thankyou Sh@ney!!!

Just wanted to say a big thank-you to Sh@ney over at LGBT Bloggers for my beautiful  header and for letting other readers know about me!

I wanted to make my header more interesting but I'm kind of clueless design wise so had no idea how to do it! So lots of hugs and kisses! I love it!

I'M STILL HERE!!!

Sorry for dropping off the end of the world for a while! In the last two weeks I've had end of school term madness, beginning of holidays madness. Add to that, my daughter took over my computer a lot of the time too as I started up a blog for her. She loves writing and I thought having her own blog would help her with spelling, phrasing and storytelling. I forgot to consider that if she was nuts about blogging - I'd lose my computer.

Luckily her dad is coming around tomorrow to see the kids and he will also set up internet on her computer (with appropriate child safety programs of course), so I'll won't have to have races to beat my daughter to the computer anymore! :-)

Eyes can play tricks on you - especially on youtube screenshots!

I was just browsing through YouTube for something a moment ago when I came across a video that was apparently video of many different couples (tv & movie). 

Normally I don't bother with these types of videos because, seen one, you pretty much have seen them all. However I clicked on it because I was certain the screenshot was of Melanie & Lindsay from QaF.

After watching all the way through I was wondering why I hadn't seen them in the video when they were on the screenshot.

So I saved the picture so I could get it a bit larger and figure out who it was that I had mistaken for Melanie

& Lindsay.

Well here it is...

                

                                                                                                                                       Clark & Chloe from Smallville!!! 

I was totally shocked because I was just so certain! 

I'm cutting myself some slack though because the screenshot on a search page on youtube is small enough to deceive you if the picture isn't 100% clear! Still a bit embarrassing thinking superman and his best friend were a lesbian couple!

Oh well, looking at it from another angle - I got kind of close - the shows were both filmed in Canada!

Can't get used to the word Lesbian!

I think I've come up against a stumbling block to my coming out. I feel awkward saying the word Lesbian out loud.

I have no problems writing it here now, but there was a time not so long ago that I couldn't think of it in relation to myself at all.

I honestly don't know what it is. Even before I realised that I like women, the word made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it was my subconscious telling me something? For years I quickly pushed aside any thoughts about women before I really had the chance of realising what they were so maybe the word made me uncomfortable because it is confronting. There is no avoiding what that word means unlike my thoughts at the time.

Once I did realise I liked women, for quite a while I thought of myself as Bi. Mainly because I thought I couldn't be a lesbian if I'd been in a relationship with a man and hadn't had an experience with a woman yet. Probably also because my husband has been the only man I've slept with... for a while I was thinking maybe it was just him that I wasn't attracted to and that I would be with another man.

I didn't have any problems saying the word Bi in relation to myself. In fact the small group of people I have told, I told I was Bi.

I know now though I definitely can't identify as Bi. I have absolutely no urge to be with a man whatsoever... in fact the very thought of it makes me shudder - and not in a good way!

So... I am a lesbian and happy to be so. I have no problems accepting it of myself these days, and not that many fears in regards to coming out with the exception of the effect on my kids.

But I still just can't say the word! I'd use the word Gay instead, but as Deborah over at All Things Queer  says, "I can't use the word "gay" because invariably I hear "man" right after it". GLTBI seems to separate me from the word Gay by adding the L in there. I know most Lesbians would probably be upset if the "L" wasn't there, and I probably would be too as the emphasis of the word gay seems to be on gay men. But it does make me quite reluctant to use the word for myself.

My problem? How on earth do I come out to people feeling so uncomfortable with the word? My comfort with actually coming out is partially taken away by the word.

And why on earth am I still uncomfortable with it anyway? I mean it is ridiculous. I'm not ashamed, I am comfortable with who I am so why on earth can't I say it out loud easily? 

House Full of Kids

I've got 4 kids today! One of my daughter's best friends has a little sister that goes to kinder with my son. Considering my son always bugs my daughter when she has a friend over, I decided to invite the little sister too so no one feels left out.

It's weird, you'd think it would be more work with 2 extra kids here - it is actually less work! I don't have to entertain them for once, they entertain themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of school, so I think I'll line up lots of play dates for the holidays otherwise I think I'll go nuts trying to think of new but free things to do!

Eyelids & Bandaids do not mix!

Talk about panic! While I was sweeping a moment ago my son was playing with opening bandaids. He has done this before without problems arising, so I left him to it.

Unfortunately, I had just finished  when I heard a gasp, I looked at my son and his eyes looked like something from some weird science fiction movie! 

He had decided to put bandaids on his eyelids! The gasp came when he wanted them off but realised it would hurt. 

I had a minor panic attack picturing having to drive to the doctors to get help as if I need to help him with something and he doesn't want help - he is too strong for me to hold down. Luckily he managed to get them off himself - as he ran away as soon as I tried.

He's all ok now - no problems at all. His beautiful eyes are still perfect, and the beautiful long lashes are still there. 

And I'm still here, heart still beating faster from the panic. 

I swear I'm surprised I don't have grey hair yet! 

Coming Out Concerns (3)... Problems at School

After my separation from my husband, the sense of relief was so great it never occurred to me to stay in the closet for long. I have been unhappy in a marriage for so long, I couldn't bear to live that way again just so everyone will accept me.

My cousin is a lesbian and she has a daughter that seems very well adjusted. Added to this, with my son's Autism, he's got more important things to focus on than his mum's sexual orientation, my daughter is already very strong, being the sister of a sibling with special needs, so she is aware of families that are a bit different. All of these things made me not even consider staying in the closet for the sake of my kid's life at school. It was a non issue.

However last night I started thinking about it. Am I selfish thinking this way? Am I being blinded by what I want? Would my kids be teased about it, or are kids pretty accepting these days? I live in the suburbs and a good portion of the mums are stay at home mums - so lots of gossiping at school drop off and pick up and I haven't overheard anything derogatory about gays.

I think it is seen as a bit of a novelty, but since I've heard some of them say "if I was a lesbian...", I figure they can't be too against it.

However, regardless how accepting our community is, I'm sure somewhere down the line the kids will be either teased or constantly questioned about it. I guess I'll just have to make sure - even more than I am already doing - that my kids have enough self esteem to deal with any teasing that might come their way.

I really don't think it is possible for me to not come out. I just can't imagine not being true to myself now that I can. But I just know I'm going to second guess myself constantly when it comes to my kids.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what happens to them there. I can ask teachers, but they don't always know what goes on in the playground. I really hope my kids feel they can come and talk to me about any  problems... but I know that my daughter already holds back from telling me some of her worries regardless of how open I am with her.

I guess all I can do is cross my fingers yet again and hope beyond hope that I'm not screwing up my kids school years! As adults they may be totally accepting and happy with it,  but I do worry that their school years may be tainted by teasing. I'm determined to be as prepared as I can be to help them through any problems. 

Luckily as I've found since starting this blog - there are lots of other mums out there with similar situations that I can reach out to to ask for advice! (See my blog roll for some of those great mums).

With Plumb???

Ok, I know being picky about someone else's writing I'm just asking for someone to point out mistakes that I'm sure to make at some point... 

Just can't help myself though. Recently I came across someone's writing where they finished a sentence stating the character did something 'with plumb'. 

The mood of the piece was actually quite serious, so cracking up because the character who should have done something with 'aplomb' is doing it 'with plumb', really kind of ruins the flow!

What I'm wondering is... was it a simple spelling error from lack of proof reading or does the writer go about writing 'with plumb' everytime they mean aplomb?

For the writer's sake, I really hope it was the former rather than the latter!

What do you think of Heterosexuals in Gay Bars?

This is a question I have been wondering about for a while. To be more clear, I do not mean friends of gays enjoying a night out with them, and I don't mean groups of homophobes looking to cause trouble.

I guess I am interested in what people think about those heterosexuals that come just to have a good time... but I'm mainly thinking about the ones who come because it seems like some great adventure. The giggly ones, who come because it is 'so cool' to go to a gay bar and the ones who go for a special event like a hen night.

I don't feel I can give any real opinion on this subject considering I'm yet to experience the night life since accepting I am a lesbian. But it is a subject that I am really interested in after a Hen Night I was part of last year.

The Matron of Honor organised for us to meet at the Xchange Hotel in South Yarra. I did have a fun time, the Drag show was brilliant - and it was nice being in a place where there was no chance of being hit on. However, there were many times while we were there that I just felt like cringing. I'm not sure how much of it was my own low self esteem and how much of it was legitimate, but I felt really embarrassed at the other girls actions at times. They were all very nice girls, but they got a bit over the top at times. They grabbed men to be in photos with us, and stuck in one giggly clump standing out like a sore thumb.

I know hen night's can be a bit like this anyway, but it really did embarrass me. It annoyed me at the same time though. I was right in the middle of being confused as to whether I was a lesbian or if I was just curious, but I had accepted enough to be really annoyed at these girls treated someone else's sexual preference as a fun adventure. At that time - and even now to a point, it's not a fun adventure for others to view. But I do know that for some of those that I come out to, it will be a bit exciting for them. Sort of 'ooh, I have a lesbian friend, that's so cool'. It kind of cheapens the journey I've been on to a sideshow of sorts.

Sorry, just realised I went off on a bit of tangent. As you can see I'm still all conflicted as to my opinions on subjects like this one. 

I really would love to get opinions from people who have been out for a while and can maybe give me a view beyond the confusing thoughts I'm having...

Inspirational Quote of the Day

One to remember when anyone starts to give up, thinking "how much of a difference can little old me make?"

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." —Margaret Mead

Hilarious

I just heard the most hilarious thing ever! My son was having a bath and I was out of the bathroom for a moment when I overheard him talking to his penis! He sounded so cute - even asked it a question! Apparently he wanted  to know if it wanted chips too!

Five years old and it is already the centre of his universe!

I'd just like to say that I am a moron!

I know I stopped myself from saying it before, but I can't get around it - I am a moron! Or I need to procrastinators anonymous. It is 2.49am and I have to be up to take my daughter to ballet in the morning! 

No way we can skip it considering I just payed Term 2 fees today. For both kids doing ballet it costs me almost $400 a term. That doesn't include uniform which as it is a strict ballet school, they have to have! The only way I can keep the kids in ballet is because of various government bonus' that come up from time to time. 

It is a good thing considering how much they both love ballet - and since I'm paying so much I refuse to let Zara skip a class because I'm a moron and won't go to bed on time. Not that she would let me. She is 7 and in her 4th year of ballet and wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. That goal may change, but she is pretty focused right now!

Anyway, blathered on as usual - just meant to mention that I was a moron and go to bed, yet here I am blathering on procrastinating again!

I'm going to bed now! Anyone, feel free to blast me if I do the same thing tonight!

How's this for a Report Card Comment???

This was written on my daughter's report card that we got today...

"Her kindness to others has made her extremely popular amongst her peers. She is a wonderful role model and a real asset to our class."

Academically she is at the level expected for her year and in a number of cases almost at grade 2 level (she is in grade 1). But for me, the fact that she got full marks for effort and class behavior and the above comment was written is the best part of the report!

Isn't she brilliant!

Quote for the Day

This one cracked me up - definitely identify with it.

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!" 

~Author Unknown

Chuckle Chuckle

My ex came around to spend some time with the kids this evening. It was actually pretty relaxed for once. We are normally pleasant to each other but there is a layer of awkwardness in any of our interactions.

I think he got too relaxed because he accidentally called me 'Babe', like he used to. I could tell he realised because he paused for a second, then went on with what he was saying.

I just find it hilarious. It was when he started calling me by my name rather than 'babe' I started to realise we were on the downward slope. Now we are apart and he said 'babe' again!

Guess it's a good thing his girlfriend wasn't here... no matter that I'm no threat to her at all, I still don't think she'd appreciate her boyfriend calling his ex a pet name!