Yes I'm still alive!

It was interesting, last night I received an email that upset me a lot and I suddenly was desperate to write here again, but for the life of me couldn't remember my password to get in! So I spent the rest of the night going nuts at blogger because it wouldn't let me in! Obviously being emotional and overtired didn't help my case, considering I tried just 3 times today and I found my way in again! Yay!

I think I really need to remember to write here often as looking back, when I do regularly I actually get things done, it is when I slack off here I also slack off in real life!

I won't go into the email fiasco right now as it is very late and I have to take my daughter to netball in the morning, but I'll be back tomorrow to discuss it. Although I've lost the fury I had the night I received it, I still really need to vent!! Be back later...

Last count... 9 "Muuum"'s since putting both kids to bed 15 minutes ago!

I'm about to go out of my mind!!! Why can't they just go quiet at bedtime! I don't insist they sleep immediately... but they keep asking for me constantly! If it was just I want waters or I'm colds I'd be ok... but they are calling me to tell me things they could have told me 1 hour ago when we were having family time!!!!!

grrr. I really need some grown up time!

Man! Even after posting to say how slack I've been with blogging... I still forget to post again!
I'm hoping I'm back on track again! A few things have happened which have given me a kick up the arse to get going with my life! Mainly... getting interested in reading again (no matter what books they are, the mere act of reading inspires me, a really good book is just icing on the cake), my never ending headaches disapearing for the last 3 days (touch wood that they stay away for a while), my son going to school full time (just started full time last week), and my ex cutting all child support bar a measley $6 a week that the child support agency believes is fair considering his income! Waiting to see if he tries beyond the amount they say, but in the mean time somehow I have to find work to fit within school times when I haven't worked in over 8 years!!!

The most exciting thing that has got me going though is that I've found my calling!!! There are a few things I'm interested in, but I was always easily discouraged from following through because they weren't good career options. I suppose I could never see a career in them either. Hard to believe you can be a writer or historian if you aren't confident in your ability!

I've finally worked out what it is that I can't be discouraged from as I'm just too interested in it for anyone to discourage me! Next year I'll be going back to Uni to do an Arts degree, majoring in Anthropology! As soon as I started thinking about it I got so excited about my future prospects. Here I was for the last year thinking that I would end up in some repetitive reception job, or exausting childcare position. Not that they aren't ok jobs to have, but I've always dreamed of something else, something fascinating where I could learn new things all the time!

Now I've just got to figure out how to be a good single mum while going to Uni full time and also working enough to support us!!!!

Well I'm off to read more of Stephanie Meyer's 'Breaking Dawn'. I've already finished the Twilight Series, but it is just so addictive I keep reading back over them! I love reading, but beyond the internet, stopped reading for ages... this series got me back into it and I'm excited about reading more now! Once I can get my head out of the series again, my next book to read is another vampire book... 'The Vampyre: The Secret History of Lord Byron' by Tom Holland.

Will report back about it when I'm done!

MY BABY GIRL IS TURNING 8 TODAY!!!

Just had to add that one quick little thing in before I go to bed (yes I'm up past 12am... got an aversion to sleep!)

I can't believe she is already 8 - wow that time went fast!

I'm back I'm back...

Sorry, been distracted by life and missed out on blogging about experiences that this blog was set up to blog about! Nothing too exciting... but very slow steps towards 'getting out there'.

Will write about them at a later point (really late now).

I've recently joined up on 43Things and just saw the option for sending posts from there to your blog. Since I've been writing there everynight, I thought I'd send them over here too! They are not at all long or probably even interesting to most people... but I thought it might keep movement over here between the times I can actually write something more interesting! :-)

Although if you are a fan of watching self improvement.. you might find the 43Things posts interesting! By the end of this year I'm determined there will be a whole new me!

Headache's, party plan & ballet lessons

I've been trying to stick to a very strict routine this week. For the beginning and the end of the day there is no problems... but I tend to become unglued through out the day. Especially on days like today when I have  a headache. I get them regularly and I know if I push myself too much the headache will last for days, but if I cut right back for a day it should go away. Still feel bad that I'm not sticking to the routine though.

At least I got to the gym today! I am loving the gym, I always feel so much better after going there!

My big thing I have to complete right now is my invitation letter to friends and family asking them to help get me started with party planning. I hate asking it of them, but there is no other way for me to start, and I'm hoping they won't mind just this once. Problem is that I can't get the words to flow well enough. I want to ask for help without sounding like I'm being pushy, or trying to gain their sympathy... but I still want enough urgency to get through so that some actually will help!

Very confusing....

I asked my daughter's ballet teacher today if she could have individual lessons next year, and she said she'd ask the centre director if it was ok. She also said that my daughter is one of the best in her class and can be relied on to remember the steps even when the teacher forgets!

My daughter wants to audition for the Australian School of Ballet when she is 9 (1.5 years away). She knows there is a lot of competition and even if she is really good, she still might not get in, but she wants to try. And I want to do everything I can to help her be successful if she can be... ergo individual ballet lessons! It's a good thing I'm working again - otherwise I'd never be able to afford it!

Wow, it's been a while!

Sorry I disappeared off the radar there for a while, I promise I wasn't ignoring responses, I just haven't been back to this site at all since my last post. Life got a bit in the way, and totally distracted me away from blogging.

I'm actually busier than ever now. My son is going through a really bad patch right now so I'm nearly always completely stressed. In the last 3 weeks he has had screaming fits at least once sometimes 3 times a day, headbutted walls, hit a baby, refused to sleep, refused to move etc. He generally has one or two bad spots through the year, but this is one of the worst we've experienced. I just hope it lets up soon, because I just know there is going to be problems again in the summer holidays when his routine goes out of whack!

On a brighter side though he has come out with some corkers lately! At the doctors when a lady was very kindly reading a story to him, he looked closely at her teeth, then said "you're teeth are yellow", then anounced "Hands up if your teeth are yellow"!  Then just today, he had such a screaming fit that he actually vomited, after cleaning him up I drove him around for a while to try and calm him down. Eventually he said "this is nice, I'm happy now". Then when I asked him what we could do to keep a smile on his face... his answer was "lipstick"! Did I ever mention just how literal autistic children can be??

I'm going through some difficulties with my daughter as well. I've always let the little things go in the past, because I've had so much to deal with already that it was all I could do to keep up with the big things. Anyway, recently I've decided I just have to be strict about the little things too otherwise they'll turn into big things. However this is led to a battle of wills between my daughter and I. I don't think she liked malleable mummy trying to be a hardass! I took her to the psychologist on Monday as I think she really needs to talk to someone. She has to deal with being the sibling of a special needs child along with being old enough to understand my separation but young enough for it to still confuse her. If it was just normal 7 year old stuff, I wouldn't worry so much, but her naughty behavior is really over the top... so if there is a reason for it that I don't know, she'll at least be able to share it with someone because she isn't sharing it with me!

The interesting thing is that she is perfect everywhere else. Ballet, school, friends houses, her dad's house. She has obviously taken on board everything I've taught her... she just applies it outside of my presence! At least I do have the comfort of everyone telling me how wonderful she is as I know she is... I just wish she'd show that to me a bit more often!

Another interesting thing is that when I'm trying to be strict but not succeeding, she plays up more, but when I truly stand my ground, she sometimes backs off with the behavior. I know she really needs and subconsiously wants me to give her firm boundaries... so I'm really trying to pick up my game there. I've got to get over the cuddly pushover mummy, and become firm (but still cuddly) mummy. I think things will improve in the house if I keep remembering this.

I'm all blogged out for now... chat later about 2 other new things in my life! I've lost 7kgs & just started doing party planning!

Question: How to meet cousin without coming out over the phone?

My cousin is back from overseas. Since she is a lesbian with a 11 year old daughter I thought she could probably give me a lot of advice. Especially on how to come out to the family and how they reacted at the time. I know she came out when I was still in high school, but being at boarding school and a self involved teenager I wasn't really paying that much attention. 

Having a complete belief that stealing my brother's playboys was completely normal for a heterosexual girl probably didn't help towards me focusing too closely on her coming out either!

My problem? I don't see her that often, and when I do organise to catch up it always ends up as a luncheon including my sister, her daughter, my mum, aunt, my cousin's partner and her daughter!

I need to talk to my cousin without anyone else around, but I have no idea how to ask this of her without going into the reason on the phone. I mean what on earth is she supposed to think if I say I need to talk to only her about something. It's not like we've connected on other particular topics in the past.

She is a teacher, so I guess I could go in on that angle, but her partner is a teacher also, and I don't know her well enough to go into it with her too.

It will be especially obvious when I ask her not to mention us meeting to anyone in the family. I mean if I was going to meet her for advice about school years for my kids - I wouldn't be keeping that a secret from my mum.

I just don't want to come out over the phone. It would start a whole conversation that I'd rather have face to face.

I'd really like to talk to her soon, so any advice would be wonderful!!!

Wow - what a difference!!!!

Well, I'm still not quite hyped about getting my house up to scratch, but wow did my walk do wonders!

My son & I went on a walking track quite close to us. They have recently sealed a old walking track that goes through the bush along a creek and it goes for 1.5kms. We walked for half an hour (thought any longer would be too much for 5 year old legs).

It was such a lovely walk. For ages I've said I hated walking because I thought it was boring. Well it is when you walk around the suburbs, but walking through the bush is fantastic.

I'd completely forgotten.

Back in school I spent one of my years at the bush campus where we hiked all the time. I'd really forgotten the peaceful feeling of walking through the bush (although back then we weren't hiking on sealed pathways - more like hiking trails where we had to dodge snakes and wombats - lol).

I'm definitely going for another walk tomorrow.

Out of it lately!

Ever since February I've totally lost focus - but lately it is even worse. I just can't seem to get my arse into gear. I've been even more despondent I guess because of the stress of my ex stopping his mortgage payments.

I don't know what we are going to do next month because mum just can't help me - she doesn't have enough herself.

And I'm also stressing because it seems that my ex won't agree to let me keep the house. And even if he does I feel horrendous at accepting my parents offer to pay out half my mortgage so I can afford repayments.

I originally agreed because I thought their help would all come from my part of a trust set up for us kids for when my step dad passes away. Since it would be coming to me anyway I was happy to receive it now when I needed it instead of when someone I loves dies.

However I've now found out that my mum will have to chip in from her super, and even though she can access her super she isn't sure whether she will be allowed to work still after she has accessed it.

Besides this because of the stockmarket plunge - they are losing a whole lot more than they planned when they made the offer.

I doubt they'd let me refuse, and I've been told by numerous people I'd be crazy to refuse. Especially because I need this house so much because of my son's special needs. But it does still leave me feeling guilty. 

Someone did tell me a good idea though. If mum finds she needs her money in years to come, I can always sell at a later date and pay her back then.

But in the mean time I have to show them that I'm going to put the effort in to fixing my life and keeping my house nice. If they are going out of their way I need to meet them half way.

Problem - I just can't get going! My ex is losing weight, got a girlfriend and moving on with his life and I feel like I'm stagnating.

I want to lose weight, get a girlfriend and move on with my life too!

Well plans are in the works. I've promised my son we'd go for a walk today - he won't let me get away with not doing it.

And I've decided that if I can afford it - I'm definitely going back to Uni next year (I'll give more details about that in a later post). Now I just have to focus on my home.

Easier said than done. 

Maybe the walk will energise me some.

Why on earth is it so exciting to see a Kookaburra???

I could understand getting excited about seeing a Kookaburra if I wasn't from Australia, or even if I lived closer to the city therefore rarely saw one.

But I live in outer suburbs where there is bushland a short walk away. We hear kookaburras quite often and have had them in our backyard over 10 times that I have noticed.

So why is it that everytime I see one I call for the kids to come have a look and I just stand and watch even if the kids aren't with me????? 

Sure they are rarer than magpies (we have about 8 of those that hang around our garden and totally freak me out during swooping season), but they're not as rare as a Koala in a tree here (that happens about once every couple of years). I just don't understand where my excitement is coming from!

Where's the Rainbow Marbles Food?

Another classic from my son!

He was actually asking for the smarties! We don't have them often enough for him to have picked up what they are called!

I Just Came Out to my Lawyer!

It's so weird. I actually feel more weird about it than when I told the 5 of my friends that know now.

In fact those 5 friends were so cool about it, I didn't feel sick after telling them at all - just relief and happiness that I can have a conversation about future plans without having to be careful of what I am saying.

But I can tell with a few people, I'll still feel worried after telling them - the kind of worried where your stomach churns and you feel sick till you can get it out of your mind.

I feel like that about my lawyer. I have no idea why though. We are right in the middle of what may turn out to be a not so nice separation anymore. Especially as my ex didn't pay his half of the mortgage yesterday. My parents can scrape up enough to help me this week - but can't after that - they just can't afford it. So as you can see it's not going to be pretty.

I've been totally stressing out that as it gets ugly, that when I do come out - my ex (who does have a gay couple as friends), might freak out go all homophobic and threaten to take the kids for more than he has now. 

If my kids asked themselves to spend more time with dad - I'd let them... but he is a crap full time dad and definitely shouldn't have them if his only reason is to hurt me, or take them away from me for  ridiculous reasons. He is good to them in small doses - but if he had them for longer and for reasons other than he WANTED to spend more time with them - the kids would suffer for it. 

So I asked my lawyer about it today. She told me not to worry about it. She said any Judge gets very annoyed with ex's that  try to do this so long after the separation. I asked if it would make any difference when he wasn't aware of the fact I am a lesbian for all that time. She said it still wouldn't make a difference and that he'd have to prove that I was a bad mother during that time. And a Judge would still be annoyed at him using that reason to take the kids for more time.

So that's a huge relief as I have been really worried about that. I suppose if it came to the worst and I had to prove that I was a good mother - I have many people who could write on my behalf that I am a good mum.

Anyway gotta go, call the lawyer back as we really don't want this to go to court if we can avoid it!

Note to self: Try to keep your urge to come out under wraps tonight!

Ok, so I mentioned that I'm having a girl's night tonight. Of course - this includes drinks. 

Problem?

None, except for the fact that under the influence I always seem to get the urge to share secrets that I really don't need to share.

It will even be harder tonight because two of the girls coming, I'm already out to. The other one coming is a really close friend that I want to tell, but I'm not sure of her views yet. It is doubtful she'd have problems with it, but I'd rather sound her out in a controlled environment (or rather an environment in which I'm controlled - lol), so I know for sure if I can tell her before I come out to everyone.

So this is basically a reminder to myself - drink, be merry - but DON'T SHARE!!!

Girls Night Tonight!

Well, my kids are at their dads again so I'm all on my lonesome!

I've actually organised for a few friends to come over this evening. I've got one definite and 3 most likelys. Unfortunately tonight is the last Saturday of the holidays so most people have got something on, but even if it is just me and one friend it will be a fun night. Much better than sitting here all on my lonesome.

I plan to have friends over each Saturday night that my ex has my kids and I've got about 5 girls saying they'll definitely be here for the next one.

I figured, I don't want to spend the evening alone, but I'm not ready to go out and meet people yet and also I have no money to go out. What better idea than to open my house to other mums that need a few hours away from their kids!

Anyway gotta go - I'm trying to get a whole lot of decluttering done before anyone arrives tonight!

Does my sexuality excuse his faults???

I'm kind of upset right now at my ex. I was planning on doing a big rant because he just told me he is going to stop paying his side of the mortgage from this month because he needs the money for his 'legal team' (god he sounded pretentious when he said that!). So I'm left having to accept help from my parents again - which they really don't need because my stepfather just came out of hospital!

Anyway I was planning on going on about it, but the news is just a couple of hours old and I can't wrap my head around it just yet - even to write at length about it.

However the thing I do want to write about right now is to do with my ex.

Currently the general mood amongst family and friends is that my ex was not a good husband or father. There may have been a few unuttered thoughts in regards to me not being brilliant at keeping house and my weight gain over my marriage, but the general thought is that he is the one mainly at fault. Especially considering he is the one that left, and had an immediate girlfriend.

I'm not blind to my own faults, but there really was a lot that I put up with in my marriage that I really shouldn't have put up with.

Here's the thing. I'm worried that when I come out, some of my current supporters will forget all they believe right now and say that his actions are excused because his wife is a lesbian.

Now if he had affairs (beyond the current girlfriend who he says he only started with after we separated), that could be understandable. Not forgiven - but understandable. After all he had a wife that did not want to sleep with him. But any of his other actions have no relevance to my sexuality and I just really don't want them discounted.

I'm not saying I want people to be remembering forever that he is a prick. Most of the time, I'm not really all that bitter about it and will be happy to forget it and move on. After all I don't have to put up with it now - so everything is already so much better. But I was really unhappy, beyond the fact that my sexuality wasn't compatible to marriage with a man and I hate the idea of that unhappiness could possibly treated as if I caused it all myself.

I'm probably not making any sense at all as it is one of those topics that takes me round in circles and the point I'm trying to make usually gets lost in the confusion.

Oh well, regardless if it makes any sense to others, it helped to vent a little!

Cat in the Hat

"Dirty hoe"

"Cats always land on their pussy"

"I'll get you and it will look like a bloody accident"

Now tell me... do these lines sound like they belong in a children's movie??? Luckily most of it goes over my kids heads but they did pick up on that last line and think it is hilarious. They keep saying it over and over again. 

I'm hoping if I ignore them saying it, they'll lose interest.

And that annoying inappropriate dvd is going back to the video store TODAY!

Oh My God - We have ducks in our backyard right now!

I was just looking out my kitchen window and saw two ducks in my backyard! I have never seen ducks here before. I live in the outer suburbs so it is a bit more leafy than the inner suburbs, but I don't have a pool for them to be interested in and to my knowledge there isn't a pool in my surrounding neighbors places!

When I went outside to get a picture of them they waddled all the way to my back door - I wouldn't have been surprised if they had let me pat them! (Didn't try though, because  then my son would have tried and probably poked their eye out!).

They are obviously looking for food, but I didn't give them any because I remember being told that bread is actually bad for them - besides, as much as they are a lovely surprise - I don't think it would be healthy for them to set up house here when we don't have a pool!

I'm still a total moron!

What the hell is wrong with me? Is there some sort of support group for idiots that just won't get themselves to bed on time despite knowing they have to get up early and have no chance for a day nap because they are entertaining children who are antsy because it is the 2nd week of school holidays?

I'm going to bed... and in the morning I'll have a gazillion beroccas and call my mum with lots of love because she dropped in last night with coffee since I'm totally out of money and was all out of coffee.

I'd consider even going to the chemist for No Doze like I did when I was in Uni if I didn't think it would probably react badly with my epilepsy medication!!!

It's not like I can't sleep when I get to bed. I just blather around on the internet or with a book or watching tv.

Moron, moron, moron.

hmmm. I may not be a heterosexual housewife anymore and I may be a Lesbian mother now... but I think I've still got a long way to go from Insecure to Confident. Especially when I keep doing things that really are moronic and don't allow for me to say this is who I am take it or leave it! I think I'm my own worst enemy.

See I get all depressed and introspective when I stay up late.

Going to bed right now!!!

Ewww, smells like feet!

I swear my son is in training to be a comedian today!

He was just playing in my loungeroom (my very recently cleaned and lovely smelling loungeroom btw), and came running out saying..

"ewww, smells like feet"

He had to have gotten that line from tv too considering I don't remember his feet ever smelling bad!

20 minutes later and more confirmation of too much tv!

My son has a really bad cough at the moment, but still in good (cheeky) spirits. So a short while ago after a short bout of coughing, he stopped looked at me and said "hairball". 

I cracked up and asked him if he said what I thought he said. 

His answer... "from Cat in the Hat".

He really is funny at times!